My mental health turned to absolute shit, and was then waffle stomped down the shower drain.

And yet here I am. On the right path to getting on the right path again.

No thanks to the health professionals I sought out in order to try and get good again. Bunch of expensive fucking kooks.

Im not sure I will ever go down that route again.

One lady had me doing mindfulness meditation for 20 minutes for my first session. The session cost two hundred and something dollars. If we do some quick math, thats roughly fifty dollars i payed to listen to this sixty something year old lady tell me to feel the sensations in my feet.

I understand there is scientific evidence behind mindfulness, and it can be helpful for some people. But holy shit, I was there off the back of a letter from the mental health crisis centre. What the fuck did she think making me sit there in silence while she spoke to me with her stupid voice about breathing through my nose was going to achieve?

She even got me to record it. To listen to when I was feeling stressed.

A recording of her forced breathy tone and uncomfortably drawn out words that reminded me of the way I speak to the kids when Im trying to get them to stop screaming about wanting to watch Shrek at two in the morning.

The absolute last fucking thing I am going to listen to when I am “feeling stressed”

I spent the entire session thinking about the best way to tell her that I will not be returning.

This has been my experience with the last five or so professionals I have been to. It has me thinking maybe I am the problem. Maybe my attitude towards it is what is causing it to be such an abysmal failure each time.

Then I think about it some more, and of course I am the fucking problem. Thats why I am there.

It is always incredibly awkward when I pay for the sessions at the end. The receptionist asking me when when I would like my next one to happen. I always respond with “I just have to check my roster”.

I don’t have a fucking roster Its the same every week. I just want to get out of there so I can call back later and say “I don’t think its a good fit for me” and then hang up.

People have said to me that to me a bunch of times. That I just need to find the right one. That it can take a long time to find one that works.

How is this ever going to work if the person who is struggling to keep their shit together is the one who is suppose to pull all the shit together?

I don’t have any answers to that question because I don’t know anything about how to improve things. But I do know I am financially better off now that I have decided to take control of it on my own.

I think relinquishing the idea of sorting myself out to someone else is a bit of a dead end for me.

It would be nice to understand all of the why’s and how’s, but I don’t think it is worth the increased struggle of getting my hopes up, only to have some dude tell me an analogy about a rice farmer In china and then ask me for hella money.

Even if i don’t fully understand why I ended up a bit fucked up, I still have ideas. In the end as long as I am able to maintain my shit and work towards something better, I think I will be ok.

I know what I am capable of, and that if i dig deep enough I am able to pull out some software engineer job with no experience landing shenanigans if I need to.

I am on the right path to getting on the right path.

Until then, lets see if i can stick to writing these dumb blogs.