A cautionary tale

Todays blog was supposed to be about how I have signed up for the spartan race, and how I am raising money for charity. I was going to go into detail about my current fitness level, and begin to track my progress through this blog.

but something happend that I feel is more important.

i need to warn people about this.

so here we go…

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Nathan pays for petrol.

Today I filled my car up with petrol. While I was pumping I decided I wanted to make my interaction with the attendant slightly more meaningful than the usual number, pay and leave routine. People do it all the time. All I gotta to is ask generic questions like “how’s your day?” and “been busy?” Maybe make a comment about the wether or something. Just the usual crap nobody really cares about.

I finished pumping and walked up to the line for the register. There was a lady being served in front of me. She was having a laugh with the attendant about her kids or some shit. She obviously knew how to take this social interaction thing to the next level.
I wasn’t going to be deterred though. Just stick to the plan nathan, it will be fine.

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Tomorrow I quit…again

Here we go again. I’ve stocked up on everything I think I’m going to need to do this. Tomorrow, I begin my 100th attempt at quitting.

This time. Instead of just going out and winging it, I’m laying out my game plan. Im getting pretty tired of pissing into the wind. I have to be real about this.

So here we go. This is my plan.

1. Remember this cycle thingy.


Since my appointment with the psychologist is so far away, I decided to do some of my own research into cognitive behavioural therapy. The lesson I took away from it was…

If you’re feeling depressed, and don’t want to do something, do it anyway…

It’s not the profound fucking answer I was hoping for when I started looking into it. But the more I looked at the picture up there, the more it makes sense.

When I first wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind is “nope…fuck this”

snooze.

The second time I wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind is “I need to smoke”

Now if I lay there and tell myself I can’t have one, I’m going to become stressed. If I’m stressed I’m going to start acting out, and when I notice that my behaviour is super cunty I am gong to want to smoke even more.

So tomorrow, the second time I wake up and feel like having a smoke, I’m going to just let that thought sit there. I’m going to get up, brush my teeth and stuff, then go on to do something that I enjoy doing… Probably video games.

I’m not going to fight the urge to smoke, I’m just going to let it be there, whilst I do other shit.

I haven’t really tried this yet, but it sounds good in theory. So we will see how it goes.

2. Avoid triggers

I need to try and stay away from all the things that make me want to smoke. At least for the first week or so.

Here is a list of things that make me want to smoke

  • Coffee
  • Alcohol
  • Sex
  • Driving
  • Walking
  • A decent meal
  • A shitty meal
  • Stress
  • Excitement
  • Advertisements
  • Miserable people
  • Condescending people
  • People in general
  • A Current Affair
  • Waking up
  • Trying to sleep
  • Winning a round of call of duty
  • Losing a round of call of duty
  • Catching up with friends
  • Being alone
  • Smelling other smokers
  • People telling me I’m doing good by not smoking
  • Going to the shop
  • Going to work
  • Having a shower

…you get the point
I’ll try anyway..

3. Stay strong

Sometimes it will be impossible for me to avoid triggers (obviously)

I can’t just not go to work in order to avoid a certain few wonderful characters. I can’t just not catch up with friends because they all fucking smoke.

In these situations I just need to suck it up, and not give in. I will remove my self from the situation for a moment. Take some mindfulness breaths, maybe imagine myself head butting the trigger, have a giggle, and then return fresh as a daisy.

Sounds good hey?

4. Be proud of what I am doing.

Tis is something I really need to work on. Usually when I do a good thing, I just downplay it in my head for some stupid reason. This time I will remember that what I’m doing is fucking hard, but I am doing it, and I deserve to be proud of it.

My supply’s are ready for me in the morning.

I will be soaking those smokes in water though… Just to be safe.

If anyone has any tips feel free to let me know before I get too irritable to listen to you 🙂

Wish me luck… Again

Still trying… Sort of

Woa. I figured out how to automatically post this to Facebook once I write it. How cool.

So

Did I say I was quitting today?

Yea… About that…

I woke up this morning. Put my ugg boots on and Made a coffee, noticed I had no smokes and went to the shop and got some.

In my defence, I am a dickhead, so yea..

I can’t justify it at all.

It’s the whole “two of me living in one body” thing.

There’s the guy who wants to quit smoking and be healthy and positive and chase butterfly’s and shit

And there’s the guy who wants to chain smoke ten in a row and kick the lady who is holding up the line by trying to put $500 worth of shopping through the self serve checkout.

They are just constantly swaying back and forth. It’s annoying as hell.

It was cigarette delivery day apparently. Behind the smoke counter there were hundreds of packs littering the floor.

I looked at them and felt sick. I assumed it was a weeks worth of smokes. Could have been wrong, doesn’t matter. I thought about how that right there, is the amount that people in just this area, who choose to come to this store, smoke in a week. Thousands and thousands of dollars worth of disease and suffering, just sitting in a pile on the floor in front of me. These company’s make a killing from killing people. Bunch of assclowns.

I pictured myself going to the servo next door and getting some petrol, then returning and dousing them. Then I would flick a match and walk away in slow motion whilst “the final count down” plays in the background (I had trouble thinking of a cliche victory song. That kinda works I think)

But I don’t think I would fare well in prison.

Evil! And They have their hooks in me.

I’ll try again tomorrow. I start night shift so there in generally less stress. Unless ofcourse a trauma or something comes in, and then there is heaps of stress, but then I have no one to bludge off anyway.

I haven’t tried this one yet. Let’s see how it goes eh.
Also as of today I started trying to actively connect with other bloggers. Up until now it’s mostly been just for me and friends and family. But everyone seems to like reading it. So why the fuck not.

I don’t know how to go about this though. So I’ve just been searching things like “blog connect” and “WordPress help” or ” I need friends” and then commenting on whatever pops up.

I don’t know if that’s weird. Like, I imagine people checking their blog and thinking “who the fucks this tripper commenting on my shit”

But ima do it anyway.

So far I’ve already “met” four or five people, who have given me tips and what not. So it all seems pretty friendly.

Anyway, if you guys wana share this on your Facebook or whatever. It would be way cool of you. If you don’t, then that’s cool too. I still like you.

I wana see if I can actually make this a thing that I do that people like 🙂