Nathan’s 7 step guide to building furniture for lazy assholes.

I’m not what you would call a typical handyman. Not because I’m completely useless or anything, but because I can’t stand doing handyman type things.

I CAN fix stuff, I CAN build stuff, I just don’t really want to.

Courtney and I once spent about a month pooping in the dark because I couldn’t bring myself to change the blown light bulb in the toilet.

So when it comes time to build furniture, I avoid it harder than girls use to avoid me when I was drunk at HQ trying to dance.

But now that there is a child on the way, I need to suck it up and start doing these type of things. I need to be the guy who picks up the dog shit rather than just going over it with the lawn mower. I need to be the guy who takes the 50 empty coffee cups from the car and proudly places them in the bin. I need to be the guy who builds furniture, even though I’d rather leave it in the box for the next six months.

And so, I present to you, Nathan’s step by step guide to build furniture for lazy assholes.

(That’s not me. I recently discovered stock photos. This guy looks like he knows how to build stuff, so i thought it would fit well)

STEP 1: opening the box.

(“Yea hi… i think I bought a faulty product… yea I can’t get it out of the box…hello?)

The first step is always the hardest. This saying is especially true when it comes to putting together flat packed furniture. I understand that company’s don’t want their boxes falling apart during shipping and transportation. But my god.

Staples that were forged in the fires of Mordor, glue made out of superman’s jizz, and enough tape to patch up the holes in the titanic… in its current state.

You will definitely need a pair of scissors or a good sharp knife for this stage. But be sure to keep your cool while holding these utensils.

Courtney actually tried to take the knife away from me. When I asked her why, she replied “I’m not sure if I feel comfortable being in the same room as you with a knife and IKEA furniture”

Eventually you will give up on trying to open the box, and just end up ripping it to smithereens with your bare hands.

STEP 2: reading the plans.

(“Nathan! You are building it upside down” “No Courtney, you are reading the plans upside down.” Actual quote)

The plans for these things aren’t really that hard to understand. Usually it’s just a bunch of pictures that show you exactly what you have to do.

The frustration comes when there are two pieces that look exactly the same. The only difference is a microscopic hole in the corner of one of them that you done notice. So you keep putting the pieces together, thinking you are doing a great job. Then ten pages later it tells you to screw something into that little hole on the inside. The same hole that is on the outside of what you made.

you have two choices.

1. You can take it all apart and start again.

2.

Always read then plans carefully. And pay attention to any insignificant looking holes you come across.

STEP 3: keep things organised.

(“WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE SMALL SCREWS!”)

You will be provided with a bag or two full or screws, pieces of wood, little tools and metal thingy’s.

LEAVE EVERYTHING YOU AREN’T USING AT THE TIME IN THE BAG.

Don’t be like me and place screws in your pocket, or wander out to the kitchen to get a drink and leave a tool next to the fridge.

There’s nothing worse than seeing the light at the end of this whole shitty experience, only to realise you are missing one god damn STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SCREWHIOGFFFHJKJHGGGAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Which brings us to the next step

STEP 4: Take regular breaks.

(An actual picture of me on my 754th smoko)

This is a very important step if you value your relationships and your mental health. You can try and smash it all out in one sitting, but the toll it will take can be considerable.

Reward yourself after every five minutes of solid work with a coffee break, or a smoko, or watch a movie or something. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. But there isn’t even anybody else competing against you this time. So you can take as long as you fucking want.

As long as you are capable of shutting out the inevitable comments like “Nathan you have had 5 breaks in the last half hour” and “I really don’t want to be sitting here all night, can we please just finish this!” Then this is the best way to go.

STEP 5: leave it overnight.

(“Fuck this shit”)

This is basically just an extension of step 4. It is very important because fuck this shit, future Nathan’s problem now.

STEP 6: drag yourself back in and get it done

(“Please kill me…”)

Present Nathan doesn’t much like past Nathan. See, past Nathan is always trying to palm things off onto future Nathan. But future Nathan never seems to show up. So present Nathan always gets stuck having the do all the bullshit that past Nathan didn’t want to do.

You are so close to finishing. The home stretch. Just suck it up and get it done. Don’t even think about it. Just do it.

Once you are finished you will be a little proud of yourself. Sure the doors are slightly crooked and it wobbles a fair bit when you touch it. But who cares! You made that. Give yourself a big pat on the back and then never, ever build anything again.

Until next time you go to IKEA with the wife and she sees something that might look nice in the living room…

STEP 7: Ride off into the sunset in ya undies with a bottle of wine.

I’m going to be a Dad… (Part 2)

It’s hard to picture myself as a dad. The idea of somebody looking up to me, listening to my every word and relying on me to educate them about the world, is a scary one.

What the fuck do I know about life?

When Courtney called me up this time around, my reaction was a little less shocked. This is what we wanted. It was time for us to start our family.

But I still had this feeling in my gut. It was different this time. This time i wasn’t scared of having a kid…  i was scared of losing it.

Continue reading

I nearly got beat up at maccas

The other day i was on my way to work. part of my usual routine is to stop by maccas and get myself a coffee before i start.
The coffee there is pretty shit, but i don’t have to get out the car. I think that’s a fair trade off.
The drive through chick knows me now. We even make small talk. Well.. she makes small talk. I just smile and nod. Sometimes i throw in a few jumbled up sentences to try and be polite.
She actually asked me if i was gay once. Apparently her friend thought i was cute and wanted to know. I was both flattered and confused. Why the fuck would she think i was gay…

oh right… The bright yellow car…

Continue reading

Spartan training (or lack therof)

Hello everybody.

I haven’t trained for this race.

I also haven’t kept up with my blogs like I promised I would.

In my defence, due to personal reasons. I didn’t feel it was an appropriate time to be writing nor thinking about myself for a couple of weeks. Family needed me.

I then nearly experienced a total mental breakdown due to people who, through no choice of my own, are stuck being a part of my life, and who will continue being a part of my life in spite of how much I would like to tell them to go fuck themselves.

And then just when I started to go back to my training, I got crook. So that’s been another week. It just keeps lingering around. I’m only just starting to be able to taste things again.

Oh and also Aaron broke his finger and then his foot in the space of a couple of weeks. So he’s out.

So. I have like two weeks to cram in what I was suppose to do over 3 months or whatever.

I’m aware training doesn’t work like that, but what choice do I have now. I’m fucked anyway. I can atleast get maybe a little fitter I guess.

I have however managed to raise like 603 dollars. Which is more than I was expecting to raise. So thank you all for that 🙂

Back to training tomorow 🙂

Spartan race preparation: week 1

The spartan race is one of those crazy obstacle course things where you climb walls and crawl under barbed wire and other weird stuff that nobody ever actually does in real life. Unless your an escaping convict, or a contestant on the biggest loser or something.

The main reason I have signed up for it is because I don’t believe I can do it.

My psychologist told me I need to start challenging my own thoughts. Just because I think something is true, doesn’t mean that it is.

Continue reading

A cautionary tale

Todays blog was supposed to be about how I have signed up for the spartan race, and how I am raising money for charity. I was going to go into detail about my current fitness level, and begin to track my progress through this blog.

but something happend that I feel is more important.

i need to warn people about this.

so here we go…

Continue reading

This guy learned the ultimate secret to success. Click here to find out…

Yea….

About that secret..

I read on a blog about blogging that click baity titles like that are how the “pros” do it.

Sorry.

Anyways…

Does anyone else ever look around at the world we live in, and just see one big act?

It’s weird.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel real.

I watch people doing things without ever questioning why they do them.

Or at least not that I know of….

Continue reading

Nathan pays for petrol.

Today I filled my car up with petrol. While I was pumping I decided I wanted to make my interaction with the attendant slightly more meaningful than the usual number, pay and leave routine. People do it all the time. All I gotta to is ask generic questions like “how’s your day?” and “been busy?” Maybe make a comment about the wether or something. Just the usual crap nobody really cares about.

I finished pumping and walked up to the line for the register. There was a lady being served in front of me. She was having a laugh with the attendant about her kids or some shit. She obviously knew how to take this social interaction thing to the next level.
I wasn’t going to be deterred though. Just stick to the plan nathan, it will be fine.

Continue reading

I’m 27 now…shit

I decided to take a bath at 1 am this morning. With my now non existent sleep schedule, there’s no such thing as an appropriate time to do things. I attempted to make bubbles by pouring half of Courtney’s shampoo into the running water.  It ended up just making a weird white foam on the surface. Thinking back now, Maybe I accidentally used conditioner? Who knows.

I did some thinking when I was in there. This past week I have been on my run of late shifts.  My routine switches to the complete opposite of Courtney’s during this rotation. I pretty much don’t see her, or anyone else, at all.  So my mornings usually consist of:

Continue reading