It has been two and a bit weeks since I stopped working, I think.
I am in an odd place. Like, I’m not sad or anything like that. The opposite even. I am really enjoying my time with the family, and the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want. But that’s the issue I guess. What the fuck DO I want?
From what I can remember, I have always had some semblance of a direction. They weren’t always good directions, in fact some of them were a little bit shit, but at least I had somewhere to aim.
Right now I have absolutely fuck all direction. My future is open ended and foggy. It’s just a weird unsettling feeling that is preventing me from fully appreciating the fact that it is ok for me to take a little time right now.
I have thrown myself in to two things. Hanging out with the little one and streaming on twitch.
The first one has been pretty much the greatest thing I have ever done. We have been doing so much fun stuff. I wish he was old enough to remember it. It would be nice if it could just be this for good.
He called me his best friend the other day. I melted a little inside. Ignoring the fact that it is his new thing, and he uses it to play us off against each other because he finds it funny. That kid is able to reach the deepest, darkest parts of my soul and lighten them up by pretending to fart on them and then telling me I need to have a shower.
Hasn’t all been fun and games though. I got myself burnt to a crisp, got friction burns from the jumpy castle land we went to, and today I managed to squash my he-jewels a little while sitting on a flying fox. I couldn’t get off the fucking thing. The more I tried the more it stuck to me. To think I once did reasonably well in the spartan race. Now I struggle to free my nuts from children’s play equipment.
(I though about deleting that last sentence, but I am going to leave it..)
As far as streaming goes, I’m not sure if its for me.
I went out and bought a sick microphone and webcam like “Yea dude I am gonna start streaming it will be heaps fun playing games and chatting to people!”. But it’s kinda the same as any social media/online interaction type thing I suppose. People aren’t just going to hang out with you online while you play video games poorly and talk bullshit about bullshit. Unless you are just a super interesting person naturally, which I am not. I think I can be interesting at times, but moment to moment I mostly just cough a lot and scratch my itchy parts.
Now that I think about it, I’m not even a chatty person. The fuck was I thinking?
I won’t chuck it in just yet. I have had some fun in the very small amount of time that I have been doing it. But I don’t think I can handle the weird “be a certain way and do certain things” nature of the online social exchanges. People put cameras on themselves while they sleep for fuck sake. I am not going anywhere near that. I feel like this will be another failed endeavor for me to eat along side my morning coffee in a week or two.
I guess I am still just search for my “Something to do”. I found my purpose and I have my tribe. I just need something to strive for now. Something that I can be more than mediocre at.
BUT I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT THAT THING COULD BE
Maybe I will go back to crocheting. That was a strange time for sure.