Days in limbo eating pizza

It has been two and a bit weeks since I stopped working, I think.

I am in an odd place. Like, I’m not sad or anything like that. The opposite even. I am really enjoying my time with the family, and the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want. But that’s the issue I guess. What the fuck DO I want?

From what I can remember, I have always had some semblance of a direction. They weren’t always good directions, in fact some of them were a little bit shit, but at least I had somewhere to aim.

Right now I have absolutely fuck all direction. My future is open ended and foggy. It’s just a weird unsettling feeling that is preventing me from fully appreciating the fact that it is ok for me to take a little time right now.

I have thrown myself in to two things. Hanging out with the little one and streaming on twitch.

The first one has been pretty much the greatest thing I have ever done. We have been doing so much fun stuff. I wish he was old enough to remember it. It would be nice if it could just be this for good.

He called me his best friend the other day. I melted a little inside. Ignoring the fact that it is his new thing, and he uses it to play us off against each other because he finds it funny. That kid is able to reach the deepest, darkest parts of my soul and lighten them up by pretending to fart on them and then telling me I need to have a shower.


Hasn’t all been fun and games though. I got myself burnt to a crisp, got friction burns from the jumpy castle land we went to, and today I managed to squash my he-jewels a little while sitting on a flying fox. I couldn’t get off the fucking thing. The more I tried the more it stuck to me. To think I once did reasonably well in the spartan race. Now I struggle to free my nuts from children’s play equipment.

(I though about deleting that last sentence, but I am going to leave it..)

As far as streaming goes, I’m not sure if its for me.

I went out and bought a sick microphone and webcam like “Yea dude I am gonna start streaming it will be heaps fun playing games and chatting to people!”. But it’s kinda the same as any social media/online interaction type thing I suppose. People aren’t just going to hang out with you online while you play video games poorly and talk bullshit about bullshit. Unless you are just a super interesting person naturally, which I am not. I think I can be interesting at times, but moment to moment I mostly just cough a lot and scratch my itchy parts.

Now that I think about it, I’m not even a chatty person. The fuck was I thinking?

I won’t chuck it in just yet. I have had some fun in the very small amount of time that I have been doing it. But I don’t think I can handle the weird “be a certain way and do certain things” nature of the online social exchanges. People put cameras on themselves while they sleep for fuck sake. I am not going anywhere near that. I feel like this will be another failed endeavor for me to eat along side my morning coffee in a week or two.

I guess I am still just search for my “Something to do”. I found my purpose and I have my tribe. I just need something to strive for now. Something that I can be more than mediocre at.

BUT I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT THAT THING COULD BE

Maybe I will go back to crocheting. That was a strange time for sure.


I wish I could just not add a title to these fucking things.

If I am honest, I never really expected to make it as far as I did.

But I was so determined. I have never applied myself to anything the way I did with this.

And then old mate reality decided it had been too long between beers and wanted to hang out. I have been ignoring his calls for a while. He is a bit of a fuckwit.

So I left my job. That one that was suppose to be my end game. It was a hard pill to swallow. I had been gagging on it for a while. Eventually I was able to wash it down with some humble juice and accepted the fact that not everything is for everyone.

For the first time in years, I am in limbo. It is different this time though. Where previously I didn’t give shit, I now have this excess drive and desire to do something, but no idea where to channel it.

I almost wish I could just go back to being that apathetic piece of shit who was content with selling his PS3 games for durries.

Almost..

I know it was for the best.
I know that I still have options.
I know that it doesn’t have to be the end of it.

I just need to change gears. Maybe swerve a little so that I don’t end up crashing through someone’s bedroom window while they are sleeping.

I mean Jesus Christ it’s only been a couple of hours and already I am talking myself into an existential crisis.

For now I am just going to try and relax. I’m going to spend some quality time with the grub. I will find myself a half decent laptop to develop on, and just fuck with things. Maybe I’ll even get myself a second hand guitar and start playing again.

I don’t know. I’m sure it will be fine..

Why am I the way I am?

I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac.


I once thought i had lupus. Like, I Legit believed I had it. I googled my symptoms and was like “This is one hundred percent what is wrong with me.” I began telling people I thought i had lupus, and looking up how i was going to go through life with this new self diagnosis.

I didn’t have lupus. Obviously.

Everyone except me already knew that.

Physical or mental, There is always something. I am always looking for an excuse as to why I am the way I am.

Could it be the fact that I have had a shit diet since I was 5, been a heavy smoker (now vape) since i was 15, And have rarely had a decent nights sleep since i came out the womb. Or maybe it was the ten developmental years of heavy binge drinking.

Nah, it’s a medical condition. Something that is completely out of my control. Something that will absolve me of all responsibility for the retarded decisions, neurotic behaviours, and general un-well existence that i have entertained for most of my life. Something that will allow me to sit back, take some prescription drugs, and be like ‘Yea nah I have a condition”.

My latest one was inattentive ADHD. I took a bunch of tests online, and found the answer to all of my problems.

I told Courtney about it. I can only imagine what she must be thinking every time i come up with some random bullshit like this. She has never once made me feel stupid though. She will say something like “Nathan, If you are genuinely concerned about this I want you to speak to a doctor, and I will support you one hundred percent”.

I love her so much.

I did speak to a doctor. He said it’s pretty much impossible to diagnose in adults, asked me if I smoke meth or snore, and then booked me in for a blood test.

So yea, I probably don’t have inattentive ADHD either.

I think I just have a hard time accepting that there can be such a wide gap between the person I am, and the person I want to be. How can I be stopping myself from doing things that I want to do? That doesn’t make sense. There has to something else going on.

Like I would seriously love to just sit down at the table and smash a fucking salad for dinner. No meat, no croutons, extra tomatoes. But I wouldn’t last through the gaging of the first few bites. Why? If I want to do it why cant I do It?

The worst part of all this is that I know the answer to that.

I can do it.

Everything I have ever put my mind to for more than five minutes has either began to show results before i bail on it, or has just worked out and things have been better off moving forward. I have proved that to myself in the last couple of years.

But it is just something that I rarely do. Theres no excuses. No conditions. I just don’t do it.

I am not going to make any vows about how from now on i am going to start doing xyz like I use to. It did have some good results sometimes, but for the most part I was talking shit.

I am just going to quietly be more aware of when I am trying to cop out on myself. Maybe examine my habits a bit closer. Might even go back to gym once the COVID is out of my system.

Driving

I am not really a fan of driving.

It’s not that I’m a bad driver, or at least I don’t think I’m a terrible driver.

But thats the problem isn’t it? Nobody thinks they are a terrible driver. Everyone thinks they are heaps good, and the people around them are shit. I can’t remember a time that I have heard someone say they think they are bad at driving.

Theres nothing more dangerous than someone who kind of sucks at something, but believes they are great. You can apply that to pretty much anything and you will see what i mean.

The worst time for me was always first thing in the morning. Hundreds of cars on the road. Most of them behind the wheel before the coffee has even had time to hit their guts. Not really wanting to be going where they are going. Still half asleep. It’s not something i like the idea of being a part of.

I use to prepare for the trip to work in advance. Planning the lanes I would need to stay in. Making sure my route involved the least amount of lane changes possible. A little bit of risk management to reduce the chances of accidentally bumping into a car worth more than i could sell all of my ‘can probably get by with just one’ organs for.

But it wasn’t the best plan, as it involved staying in the right lane for the majority of the trip down the expressway.

People get so fucking mad about that.


I remember one time i was going about my usual commute. Half awake, probably wondering why I am so weak in my dreams and can never manage to beat anyone up. This lady comes zooming up behind me and starts tooting her horn. I looked in my mirror and she was waving her arms around and saying thing as if i could hear her. Swerving out of her lane every now and then. Speeding up, slowing down. The usual.

It’s weird that peoples natural reaction to bad driving is to become abysmal reckless drivers.

I know I should follow the rules better. I understand how annoying people like me can be. But I am going the speed limit. The only reason you are mad about it is because you want to be speeding. Why does your aggressive traffic offence trump my anxious traffic offence.

I then changed lanes immediately.

I don’t know what state of mind she is in, how her morning has been, where she is going to in such a hurry, or why she chose me to unleash upon at 6am. For all i know, my shitty driving could have been the straw that broke this lady’s back. Either way, i’m out. I’ll even shift even further across if it means you will stop turning your head and making faces at me. It’s not like I am actually in a hurry. I just want to make it to my shift without any assaults or hit and runs.

Road rage isn’t something I mess with. Steering wheels make people go batshit. Some of the meekest and mildest people I know bust out a can of chrome spray paint and start spraying their teeth whenever they see someone forget to indicate.

I suppose it isn’t too bad now I can catch the train to work. That has it’s own issues i guess, what with the pandemic and all. People sneezing gets me all edgy. I start listening to see if they are going sneeze again. Oh shit they sneezed again. Time to check google for any news of an outbreak in Adelaide. Start thinking about how long I am going to be on the respirator for.

Or even worse if I have to sneeze. Have you ever tried to hold in a sneeze to the point where it is silence. You make that weird squeak noise and feel the pressure instantly in your head. Get a little tingle in your arms. I hope you have, otherwise i should probably book a doctors appointment.

Country driving is a bit more enjoyable. Less cars around. Long roads with minimal stops. The threat of kangaroos is fine because they aren’t going to come after me with a ball-peen hammer. It is just a way better time. Scenery is fine, no billboards selling real estate or iced coffee. Just cows and fences.

Although there is always at least one peanut that decides they want to play chicken on Sunday morning so that they can taste the worlds greatest beef and lentil pie a minute and a half faster.

Courtney said something to me the other day while we were driving through the hills. ‘I am not paying attention to anything else other than the sun on those trees right now’. I thought it was really nice. I don’t think i have the ability to appreciate that sort of thing anymore, but I enjoy it when other people do. Besides, it isn’t really something you can effectively practice during peak hour traffic. Just shut out all other thoughts and focus all your attention on the guy picking his nose two cars down at the lights.

I am looking forward to moving out to the hills. Away from the suburban life. It isn’t something I imagined myself ever doing again. But I am excited. I wont need to listen to the neighbours trying to kill each other while I drink my morning coffee. No more playing ‘fireworks or gunshot?’ at 2am. I will be able to walk down the street without being concerned about getting mugged by a bunch of kids with scooters again. It is going to be a nice place to raise a family I think. An adventure.

I went a bit off topic there.

The art of the awkward handshake

I bumped into some old friends at the pub on Saturday night. I hadn’t seen them in a couple years, so it was kinda cool.

But from the moment I layed eyes on them, I started to feel anxious. I started getting that sick feeling in my gut. I contemplated just avoiding them the entire night.

This was because I knew I was going to have to shake their hands…

I fucking hate shaking hands…

For reasons I don’t fully understand, I have never been able to master the art of greeting a fellow human being.

I guess it’s because people like to shake hands in a whole bunch of weird and stupid fucking ways. I can never seem to predict what way that person wants to do this, so 90 percent of the time it ends up all cringey. Awkward handshakes are the worst. Awkward handshakes are also my specialty.

Sometimes people hang on slightly too long, or they want to do multiple things within a short time frame. I can’t get my head around it.

Or if it’s a woman, they go for a full blown hug, or a kiss. How long are you suppose to hug for? Do I kiss someone I don’t even know? Where the fuck am I meant to kiss them? Why do we have to fucking kiss eachother at all god dammit. Can’t we just say hi and be done with it?

In high school everyone I knew just did the “slap and pound” thing. It’s super lame, but I liked it because it was informal, required minimal contact, and there wasn’t really any way to fuck it up.

But now people are getting creative, and it’s ruined everything.

So I went to shake the guys hand.

I thought to myself “just go with the regular, straight shake. You can’t go wrong”

I started moving my hand towards his, until I noticed his hand was angled slightly upwards.

He wanted to do the bro shake.

I don’t know how to do a bro shake well.

I mean, once you’re hands are joined in that upwards sort of clap formation, where do you go from there. Are you suppose to just kinda wiggle you arms together or…

I started panicking.

I was too far gone with my regular shake.

“Abort. Fucking abort Nathan, this is going to be weird”

It was too late.

I kinda grabbed the bottom half of his hand, and started shaking. He uncomfortably tried to adjust his grip to suit mine, but before we could make it work, I let go.

We both pretended like what just happened wasn’t unbearably awkward. And I continued on to the next one.

This time, I knew what I was in for. We are doing bro shakes tonight. I got this.

I reached my hand out to the next guy in the upward facing position with my elbow slightly bent.

“Fuck yea, gonna nail it this time”

He slapped in hand clean into mine. We did the wiggle thing. It was beautiful.

But..

He then started to move towards me.

For fuck sake… He wants to man hug.

From what I understand. Man hugs are different to regular hugs. You aren’t suppose to fully embrace the guy. You just semi-sorta put you arm around eachother quickly and then release. It’s really stupid and I hate it.

I don’t particularly like hugging anyone at all to be honest,  unless it’s Courtney, so this is one of my least favourite.

He started moving towards me, and I hesitated. He noticed that I hesitated so he hesitated. When I noticed he hesitated I pulled him in closer because I didn’t want to fuck up this shake again. I placed my arm around his shoulder without touching him with it, and patted him on the back once or twice, then let go.

I felt dirty.

Once again we pretended like it all went well, and I retreated to the bar to fill my belly with alcohol and forget about what just happened.

One day I will get the hang of this. Maybe I’ll put it on my to do list.