I don’t know if i have it in me anymore. I used to be able to sit down and punch out some semi-illiterate bullshit and people seemed to love reading it. They would tell me all the time.
But tonight I pulled out the laptop to try and decompress. To evaluate the last two years of my life. But it feels like ther too much. I have no idea where I should start.
And with that said, i don’t know why i’m even trying to write this. Who the fuck is it for?
I don’t hate the world, or the people in it, I’m not that edgy.
But the rules on how to be a functioning human are broken and nobody wants to accept that people just doing normal people shit IS the problem.
Generation after generation of self interested dumb fucking behaviours under the guise of being people. Regionally different morals, values that only make sense from the standpoint of the person holding them.
You cant fix this, it all leads to nowhere.
So we take it out on each other. The blind beating the blind with their collapsable walking stick things. Everyones trying to get somewhere, trampling others to get there, but nobody knows where the fuck they are going.
There is no destination you fuck heads. No goal. It’s all pretend.
Just stop.
Life doesn’t need to be this painful.
Yet there is pain everywhere I look. In everyone I care about.
So I will try and be someone who can be there. Even doing that somehow ends with people hurt, but thats not my problem anymore.
I would love to have a complete mental breakdown sometime but i cant do that while there are people who need me more than I need me.
Anyway keep fighting the good fight friends. I hope whatever side you have picked on whatever issue you feel strongly about comes through with the win and you can make the world a better place.
Tag: life
My mental health turned to absolute shit, and was then waffle stomped down the shower drain.
And yet here I am. On the right path to getting on the right path again.
No thanks to the health professionals I sought out in order to try and get good again. Bunch of expensive fucking kooks.
Im not sure I will ever go down that route again.
One lady had me doing mindfulness meditation for 20 minutes for my first session. The session cost two hundred and something dollars. If we do some quick math, thats roughly fifty dollars i payed to listen to this sixty something year old lady tell me to feel the sensations in my feet.
I understand there is scientific evidence behind mindfulness, and it can be helpful for some people. But holy shit, I was there off the back of a letter from the mental health crisis centre. What the fuck did she think making me sit there in silence while she spoke to me with her stupid voice about breathing through my nose was going to achieve?
She even got me to record it. To listen to when I was feeling stressed.
A recording of her forced breathy tone and uncomfortably drawn out words that reminded me of the way I speak to the kids when Im trying to get them to stop screaming about wanting to watch Shrek at two in the morning.
The absolute last fucking thing I am going to listen to when I am “feeling stressed”
I spent the entire session thinking about the best way to tell her that I will not be returning.
This has been my experience with the last five or so professionals I have been to. It has me thinking maybe I am the problem. Maybe my attitude towards it is what is causing it to be such an abysmal failure each time.
Then I think about it some more, and of course I am the fucking problem. Thats why I am there.
It is always incredibly awkward when I pay for the sessions at the end. The receptionist asking me when when I would like my next one to happen. I always respond with “I just have to check my roster”.
I don’t have a fucking roster Its the same every week. I just want to get out of there so I can call back later and say “I don’t think its a good fit for me” and then hang up.
People have said to me that to me a bunch of times. That I just need to find the right one. That it can take a long time to find one that works.
How is this ever going to work if the person who is struggling to keep their shit together is the one who is suppose to pull all the shit together?
I don’t have any answers to that question because I don’t know anything about how to improve things. But I do know I am financially better off now that I have decided to take control of it on my own.
I think relinquishing the idea of sorting myself out to someone else is a bit of a dead end for me.
It would be nice to understand all of the why’s and how’s, but I don’t think it is worth the increased struggle of getting my hopes up, only to have some dude tell me an analogy about a rice farmer In china and then ask me for hella money.
Even if i don’t fully understand why I ended up a bit fucked up, I still have ideas. In the end as long as I am able to maintain my shit and work towards something better, I think I will be ok.
I know what I am capable of, and that if i dig deep enough I am able to pull out some software engineer job with no experience landing shenanigans if I need to.
I am on the right path to getting on the right path.
Until then, lets see if i can stick to writing these dumb blogs.
The art of the awkward handshake
I bumped into some old friends at the pub on Saturday night. I hadn’t seen them in a couple years, so it was kinda cool.
But from the moment I layed eyes on them, I started to feel anxious. I started getting that sick feeling in my gut. I contemplated just avoiding them the entire night.
This was because I knew I was going to have to shake their hands…
I fucking hate shaking hands…
For reasons I don’t fully understand, I have never been able to master the art of greeting a fellow human being.
I guess it’s because people like to shake hands in a whole bunch of weird and stupid fucking ways. I can never seem to predict what way that person wants to do this, so 90 percent of the time it ends up all cringey. Awkward handshakes are the worst. Awkward handshakes are also my specialty.
Sometimes people hang on slightly too long, or they want to do multiple things within a short time frame. I can’t get my head around it.
Or if it’s a woman, they go for a full blown hug, or a kiss. How long are you suppose to hug for? Do I kiss someone I don’t even know? Where the fuck am I meant to kiss them? Why do we have to fucking kiss eachother at all god dammit. Can’t we just say hi and be done with it?
In high school everyone I knew just did the “slap and pound” thing. It’s super lame, but I liked it because it was informal, required minimal contact, and there wasn’t really any way to fuck it up.
But now people are getting creative, and it’s ruined everything.
So I went to shake the guys hand.
I thought to myself “just go with the regular, straight shake. You can’t go wrong”
I started moving my hand towards his, until I noticed his hand was angled slightly upwards.
He wanted to do the bro shake.
I don’t know how to do a bro shake well.
I mean, once you’re hands are joined in that upwards sort of clap formation, where do you go from there. Are you suppose to just kinda wiggle you arms together or…
I started panicking.
I was too far gone with my regular shake.
“Abort. Fucking abort Nathan, this is going to be weird”
It was too late.
I kinda grabbed the bottom half of his hand, and started shaking. He uncomfortably tried to adjust his grip to suit mine, but before we could make it work, I let go.
We both pretended like what just happened wasn’t unbearably awkward. And I continued on to the next one.
This time, I knew what I was in for. We are doing bro shakes tonight. I got this.
I reached my hand out to the next guy in the upward facing position with my elbow slightly bent.
“Fuck yea, gonna nail it this time”
He slapped in hand clean into mine. We did the wiggle thing. It was beautiful.
But..
He then started to move towards me.
For fuck sake… He wants to man hug.
From what I understand. Man hugs are different to regular hugs. You aren’t suppose to fully embrace the guy. You just semi-sorta put you arm around eachother quickly and then release. It’s really stupid and I hate it.
I don’t particularly like hugging anyone at all to be honest, unless it’s Courtney, so this is one of my least favourite.
He started moving towards me, and I hesitated. He noticed that I hesitated so he hesitated. When I noticed he hesitated I pulled him in closer because I didn’t want to fuck up this shake again. I placed my arm around his shoulder without touching him with it, and patted him on the back once or twice, then let go.
I felt dirty.
Once again we pretended like it all went well, and I retreated to the bar to fill my belly with alcohol and forget about what just happened.
One day I will get the hang of this. Maybe I’ll put it on my to do list.
SCATTERBRAINED 