I am not really a fan of driving.

It’s not that I’m a bad driver, or at least I don’t think I’m a terrible driver.

But thats the problem isn’t it? Nobody thinks they are a terrible driver. Everyone thinks they are heaps good, and the people around them are shit. I can’t remember a time that I have heard someone say they think they are bad at driving.

Theres nothing more dangerous than someone who kind of sucks at something, but believes they are great. You can apply that to pretty much anything and you will see what i mean.

The worst time for me was always first thing in the morning. Hundreds of cars on the road. Most of them behind the wheel before the coffee has even had time to hit their guts. Not really wanting to be going where they are going. Still half asleep. It’s not something i like the idea of being a part of.

I use to prepare for the trip to work in advance. Planning the lanes I would need to stay in. Making sure my route involved the least amount of lane changes possible. A little bit of risk management to reduce the chances of accidentally bumping into a car worth more than i could sell all of my ‘can probably get by with just one’ organs for.

But it wasn’t the best plan, as it involved staying in the right lane for the majority of the trip down the expressway.

People get so fucking mad about that.

I remember one time i was going about my usual commute. Half awake, probably wondering why I am so weak in my dreams and can never manage to beat anyone up. This lady comes zooming up behind me and starts tooting her horn. I looked in my mirror and she was waving her arms around and saying thing as if i could hear her. Swerving out of her lane every now and then. Speeding up, slowing down. The usual.

It’s weird that peoples natural reaction to bad driving is to become abysmal reckless drivers.

I know I should follow the rules better. I understand how annoying people like me can be. But I am going the speed limit. The only reason you are mad about it is because you want to be speeding. Why does your aggressive traffic offence trump my anxious traffic offence.

I then changed lanes immediately.

I don’t know what state of mind she is in, how her morning has been, where she is going to in such a hurry, or why she chose me to unleash upon at 6am. For all i know, my shitty driving could have been the straw that broke this lady’s back. Either way, i’m out. I’ll even shift even further across if it means you will stop turning your head and making faces at me. It’s not like I am actually in a hurry. I just want to make it to my shift without any assaults or hit and runs.

Road rage isn’t something I mess with. Steering wheels make people go batshit. Some of the meekest and mildest people I know bust out a can of chrome spray paint and start spraying their teeth whenever they see someone forget to indicate.

I suppose it isn’t too bad now I can catch the train to work. That has it’s own issues i guess, what with the pandemic and all. People sneezing gets me all edgy. I start listening to see if they are going sneeze again. Oh shit they sneezed again. Time to check google for any news of an outbreak in Adelaide. Start thinking about how long I am going to be on the respirator for.

Or even worse if I have to sneeze. Have you ever tried to hold in a sneeze to the point where it is silence. You make that weird squeak noise and feel the pressure instantly in your head. Get a little tingle in your arms. I hope you have, otherwise i should probably book a doctors appointment.

Country driving is a bit more enjoyable. Less cars around. Long roads with minimal stops. The threat of kangaroos is fine because they aren’t going to come after me with a ball-peen hammer. It is just a way better time. Scenery is fine, no billboards selling real estate or iced coffee. Just cows and fences.

Although there is always at least one peanut that decides they want to play chicken on Sunday morning so that they can taste the worlds greatest beef and lentil pie a minute and a half faster.

Courtney said something to me the other day while we were driving through the hills. ‘I am not paying attention to anything else other than the sun on those trees right now’. I thought it was really nice. I don’t think i have the ability to appreciate that sort of thing anymore, but I enjoy it when other people do. Besides, it isn’t really something you can effectively practice during peak hour traffic. Just shut out all other thoughts and focus all your attention on the guy picking his nose two cars down at the lights.

I am looking forward to moving out to the hills. Away from the suburban life. It isn’t something I imagined myself ever doing again. But I am excited. I wont need to listen to the neighbours trying to kill each other while I drink my morning coffee. No more playing ‘fireworks or gunshot?’ at 2am. I will be able to walk down the street without being concerned about getting mugged by a bunch of kids with scooters again. It is going to be a nice place to raise a family I think. An adventure.

I went a bit off topic there.