Nathan’s 7 step guide to building furniture for lazy assholes.

I’m not what you would call a typical handyman. Not because I’m completely useless or anything, but because I can’t stand doing handyman type things.

I CAN fix stuff, I CAN build stuff, I just don’t really want to.

Courtney and I once spent about a month pooping in the dark because I couldn’t bring myself to change the blown light bulb in the toilet.

So when it comes time to build furniture, I avoid it harder than girls use to avoid me when I was drunk at HQ trying to dance.

But now that there is a child on the way, I need to suck it up and start doing these type of things. I need to be the guy who picks up the dog shit rather than just going over it with the lawn mower. I need to be the guy who takes the 50 empty coffee cups from the car and proudly places them in the bin. I need to be the guy who builds furniture, even though I’d rather leave it in the box for the next six months.

And so, I present to you, Nathan’s step by step guide to build furniture for lazy assholes.

(That’s not me. I recently discovered stock photos. This guy looks like he knows how to build stuff, so i thought it would fit well)

STEP 1: opening the box.

(“Yea hi… i think I bought a faulty product… yea I can’t get it out of the box…hello?)

The first step is always the hardest. This saying is especially true when it comes to putting together flat packed furniture. I understand that company’s don’t want their boxes falling apart during shipping and transportation. But my god.

Staples that were forged in the fires of Mordor, glue made out of superman’s jizz, and enough tape to patch up the holes in the titanic… in its current state.

You will definitely need a pair of scissors or a good sharp knife for this stage. But be sure to keep your cool while holding these utensils.

Courtney actually tried to take the knife away from me. When I asked her why, she replied “I’m not sure if I feel comfortable being in the same room as you with a knife and IKEA furniture”

Eventually you will give up on trying to open the box, and just end up ripping it to smithereens with your bare hands.

STEP 2: reading the plans.

(“Nathan! You are building it upside down” “No Courtney, you are reading the plans upside down.” Actual quote)

The plans for these things aren’t really that hard to understand. Usually it’s just a bunch of pictures that show you exactly what you have to do.

The frustration comes when there are two pieces that look exactly the same. The only difference is a microscopic hole in the corner of one of them that you done notice. So you keep putting the pieces together, thinking you are doing a great job. Then ten pages later it tells you to screw something into that little hole on the inside. The same hole that is on the outside of what you made.

you have two choices.

1. You can take it all apart and start again.

2.

Always read then plans carefully. And pay attention to any insignificant looking holes you come across.

STEP 3: keep things organised.

(“WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE SMALL SCREWS!”)

You will be provided with a bag or two full or screws, pieces of wood, little tools and metal thingy’s.

LEAVE EVERYTHING YOU AREN’T USING AT THE TIME IN THE BAG.

Don’t be like me and place screws in your pocket, or wander out to the kitchen to get a drink and leave a tool next to the fridge.

There’s nothing worse than seeing the light at the end of this whole shitty experience, only to realise you are missing one god damn STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SCREWHIOGFFFHJKJHGGGAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Which brings us to the next step

STEP 4: Take regular breaks.

(An actual picture of me on my 754th smoko)

This is a very important step if you value your relationships and your mental health. You can try and smash it all out in one sitting, but the toll it will take can be considerable.

Reward yourself after every five minutes of solid work with a coffee break, or a smoko, or watch a movie or something. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. But there isn’t even anybody else competing against you this time. So you can take as long as you fucking want.

As long as you are capable of shutting out the inevitable comments like “Nathan you have had 5 breaks in the last half hour” and “I really don’t want to be sitting here all night, can we please just finish this!” Then this is the best way to go.

STEP 5: leave it overnight.

(“Fuck this shit”)

This is basically just an extension of step 4. It is very important because fuck this shit, future Nathan’s problem now.

STEP 6: drag yourself back in and get it done

(“Please kill me…”)

Present Nathan doesn’t much like past Nathan. See, past Nathan is always trying to palm things off onto future Nathan. But future Nathan never seems to show up. So present Nathan always gets stuck having the do all the bullshit that past Nathan didn’t want to do.

You are so close to finishing. The home stretch. Just suck it up and get it done. Don’t even think about it. Just do it.

Once you are finished you will be a little proud of yourself. Sure the doors are slightly crooked and it wobbles a fair bit when you touch it. But who cares! You made that. Give yourself a big pat on the back and then never, ever build anything again.

Until next time you go to IKEA with the wife and she sees something that might look nice in the living room…

STEP 7: Ride off into the sunset in ya undies with a bottle of wine.

A cautionary tale

Todays blog was supposed to be about how I have signed up for the spartan race, and how I am raising money for charity. I was going to go into detail about my current fitness level, and begin to track my progress through this blog.

but something happend that I feel is more important.

i need to warn people about this.

so here we go…

Continue reading

Tomorrow I quit…again

Here we go again. I’ve stocked up on everything I think I’m going to need to do this. Tomorrow, I begin my 100th attempt at quitting.

This time. Instead of just going out and winging it, I’m laying out my game plan. Im getting pretty tired of pissing into the wind. I have to be real about this.

So here we go. This is my plan.

1. Remember this cycle thingy.


Since my appointment with the psychologist is so far away, I decided to do some of my own research into cognitive behavioural therapy. The lesson I took away from it was…

If you’re feeling depressed, and don’t want to do something, do it anyway…

It’s not the profound fucking answer I was hoping for when I started looking into it. But the more I looked at the picture up there, the more it makes sense.

When I first wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind is “nope…fuck this”

snooze.

The second time I wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind is “I need to smoke”

Now if I lay there and tell myself I can’t have one, I’m going to become stressed. If I’m stressed I’m going to start acting out, and when I notice that my behaviour is super cunty I am gong to want to smoke even more.

So tomorrow, the second time I wake up and feel like having a smoke, I’m going to just let that thought sit there. I’m going to get up, brush my teeth and stuff, then go on to do something that I enjoy doing… Probably video games.

I’m not going to fight the urge to smoke, I’m just going to let it be there, whilst I do other shit.

I haven’t really tried this yet, but it sounds good in theory. So we will see how it goes.

2. Avoid triggers

I need to try and stay away from all the things that make me want to smoke. At least for the first week or so.

Here is a list of things that make me want to smoke

  • Coffee
  • Alcohol
  • Sex
  • Driving
  • Walking
  • A decent meal
  • A shitty meal
  • Stress
  • Excitement
  • Advertisements
  • Miserable people
  • Condescending people
  • People in general
  • A Current Affair
  • Waking up
  • Trying to sleep
  • Winning a round of call of duty
  • Losing a round of call of duty
  • Catching up with friends
  • Being alone
  • Smelling other smokers
  • People telling me I’m doing good by not smoking
  • Going to the shop
  • Going to work
  • Having a shower

…you get the point
I’ll try anyway..

3. Stay strong

Sometimes it will be impossible for me to avoid triggers (obviously)

I can’t just not go to work in order to avoid a certain few wonderful characters. I can’t just not catch up with friends because they all fucking smoke.

In these situations I just need to suck it up, and not give in. I will remove my self from the situation for a moment. Take some mindfulness breaths, maybe imagine myself head butting the trigger, have a giggle, and then return fresh as a daisy.

Sounds good hey?

4. Be proud of what I am doing.

Tis is something I really need to work on. Usually when I do a good thing, I just downplay it in my head for some stupid reason. This time I will remember that what I’m doing is fucking hard, but I am doing it, and I deserve to be proud of it.

My supply’s are ready for me in the morning.

I will be soaking those smokes in water though… Just to be safe.

If anyone has any tips feel free to let me know before I get too irritable to listen to you 🙂

Wish me luck… Again

I hate coming up with titles 

I stopped taking my medication about a week ago. I didn’t like it at all. Yes, it worked, I didn’t feel as down as often. But I also wasn’t feeling good either. It was like my mood just kind of flatlined. I wasn’t happy, or sad, I just was.

I don’t want to live like that. What is the fucking point in living like that. Just merely existing. Not feeling anything. Ew.

The instruction leaflet that came with the box said not to immediately cease taking them unless the doctor says. I thought about that nicoret add. How it talks about cutting down and then stopping. So I snapped them in half for a couple days and then stopped. Close enough.

I did freak out for a while. I thought maybe I would go spiralling down into some crazy depression pit that I would never get out of.

But I haven’t yet. That’s a good thing.

I am still keeping my appointment with the psychologist. I really want to talk it out. But I didn’t like the idea of just medicating away my depression. I feel like this for a reason. I feel like this because I don’t like the way the world works, the way society works, the way people work.

Maybe I should just be greatful. I am lucky. I could have been born into a war torn country. Or one of those countries where they stone eachother to death for witchcraft and homosexuality or other random shit. or one where people starve to death and clean drinking water doesn’t exist. Or one where child soldiers are the norm, etc.

It’s a toss up between hell on earth, or just plain shit.

I was lucky enough to be born into a place where we have so much that 8 billion dollars worth of completely edible food goes to trash every year. A place where welfare recipients, drug addicts and homeless and generally considered the lowest of the low, whilst there are people who could baisicly end world hunger by emptying out the change in their pockets, but don’t, and they are respected and idolised.Here I have the opurtunity to work for 40 hours per week for 60 or so years, to allow me to obtain more shit than the cunts I went to high school with.  so I can buy shit produced by those countries where people don’t fucking eat, to keep up with fashion and what not, and say ” I worked hard, I earned this ridiculously oversized house and inbuilt car seat warmers so my ass doesn’t ever have to touch my cold leather seat. cold leather seats are for peasants”. All the while everyone’s bombing the fuck out of eachother because land ownership, God, and profitable wars are things.

Look, If people want clean drinking water they should just fucking work hard like me. Bludgers..

Anyway, apart from all that, things have been pretty positive lately.

I needed more stuff to do so I wasn’t sitting around thinking all the time. So I got myself a skateboard. I fixed up my old skate shoes with supplies from our first aid kid, MCgyver style, and I have been having so much fun on it. Just cruising up and down the esplanade for a few hours. I think I pulled a muscle in my ass though. Also my foot was getting some really sharp pains in it. I dunno

I’m also currently trying to learn computer code. I’m not entirely sure why yet. I just seen a thing on the internet about how Obama apparently said everyone should know how to code. I’m not gonna argue with Obama.

It’s actually really fun. Very challenging, but it provides me with multiple epiphany moments every time I do it. Because of stupid shit like forgetting to capitalise a letter. After spending an hour searching for my mistake.. BANG.. I’m totally a genius.

Tomorrow, I will attempt to do my favourite thing in the entire world.

I’m going to try quit again.

Wish me luck people. We all know I really need it.