Nathan’s 7 step guide to building furniture for lazy assholes.

I’m not what you would call a typical handyman. Not because I’m completely useless or anything, but because I can’t stand doing handyman type things.

I CAN fix stuff, I CAN build stuff, I just don’t really want to.

Courtney and I once spent about a month pooping in the dark because I couldn’t bring myself to change the blown light bulb in the toilet.

So when it comes time to build furniture, I avoid it harder than girls use to avoid me when I was drunk at HQ trying to dance.

But now that there is a child on the way, I need to suck it up and start doing these type of things. I need to be the guy who picks up the dog shit rather than just going over it with the lawn mower. I need to be the guy who takes the 50 empty coffee cups from the car and proudly places them in the bin. I need to be the guy who builds furniture, even though I’d rather leave it in the box for the next six months.

And so, I present to you, Nathan’s step by step guide to build furniture for lazy assholes.

(That’s not me. I recently discovered stock photos. This guy looks like he knows how to build stuff, so i thought it would fit well)

STEP 1: opening the box.

(“Yea hi… i think I bought a faulty product… yea I can’t get it out of the box…hello?)

The first step is always the hardest. This saying is especially true when it comes to putting together flat packed furniture. I understand that company’s don’t want their boxes falling apart during shipping and transportation. But my god.

Staples that were forged in the fires of Mordor, glue made out of superman’s jizz, and enough tape to patch up the holes in the titanic… in its current state.

You will definitely need a pair of scissors or a good sharp knife for this stage. But be sure to keep your cool while holding these utensils.

Courtney actually tried to take the knife away from me. When I asked her why, she replied “I’m not sure if I feel comfortable being in the same room as you with a knife and IKEA furniture”

Eventually you will give up on trying to open the box, and just end up ripping it to smithereens with your bare hands.

STEP 2: reading the plans.

(“Nathan! You are building it upside down” “No Courtney, you are reading the plans upside down.” Actual quote)

The plans for these things aren’t really that hard to understand. Usually it’s just a bunch of pictures that show you exactly what you have to do.

The frustration comes when there are two pieces that look exactly the same. The only difference is a microscopic hole in the corner of one of them that you done notice. So you keep putting the pieces together, thinking you are doing a great job. Then ten pages later it tells you to screw something into that little hole on the inside. The same hole that is on the outside of what you made.

you have two choices.

1. You can take it all apart and start again.

2.

Always read then plans carefully. And pay attention to any insignificant looking holes you come across.

STEP 3: keep things organised.

(“WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE SMALL SCREWS!”)

You will be provided with a bag or two full or screws, pieces of wood, little tools and metal thingy’s.

LEAVE EVERYTHING YOU AREN’T USING AT THE TIME IN THE BAG.

Don’t be like me and place screws in your pocket, or wander out to the kitchen to get a drink and leave a tool next to the fridge.

There’s nothing worse than seeing the light at the end of this whole shitty experience, only to realise you are missing one god damn STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SCREWHIOGFFFHJKJHGGGAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Which brings us to the next step

STEP 4: Take regular breaks.

(An actual picture of me on my 754th smoko)

This is a very important step if you value your relationships and your mental health. You can try and smash it all out in one sitting, but the toll it will take can be considerable.

Reward yourself after every five minutes of solid work with a coffee break, or a smoko, or watch a movie or something. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. But there isn’t even anybody else competing against you this time. So you can take as long as you fucking want.

As long as you are capable of shutting out the inevitable comments like “Nathan you have had 5 breaks in the last half hour” and “I really don’t want to be sitting here all night, can we please just finish this!” Then this is the best way to go.

STEP 5: leave it overnight.

(“Fuck this shit”)

This is basically just an extension of step 4. It is very important because fuck this shit, future Nathan’s problem now.

STEP 6: drag yourself back in and get it done

(“Please kill me…”)

Present Nathan doesn’t much like past Nathan. See, past Nathan is always trying to palm things off onto future Nathan. But future Nathan never seems to show up. So present Nathan always gets stuck having the do all the bullshit that past Nathan didn’t want to do.

You are so close to finishing. The home stretch. Just suck it up and get it done. Don’t even think about it. Just do it.

Once you are finished you will be a little proud of yourself. Sure the doors are slightly crooked and it wobbles a fair bit when you touch it. But who cares! You made that. Give yourself a big pat on the back and then never, ever build anything again.

Until next time you go to IKEA with the wife and she sees something that might look nice in the living room…

STEP 7: Ride off into the sunset in ya undies with a bottle of wine.

I’m 27 now…shit

I decided to take a bath at 1 am this morning. With my now non existent sleep schedule, there’s no such thing as an appropriate time to do things. I attempted to make bubbles by pouring half of Courtney’s shampoo into the running water.  It ended up just making a weird white foam on the surface. Thinking back now, Maybe I accidentally used conditioner? Who knows.

I did some thinking when I was in there. This past week I have been on my run of late shifts.  My routine switches to the complete opposite of Courtney’s during this rotation. I pretty much don’t see her, or anyone else, at all.  So my mornings usually consist of:

Continue reading

Tomorrow I quit…again

Here we go again. I’ve stocked up on everything I think I’m going to need to do this. Tomorrow, I begin my 100th attempt at quitting.

This time. Instead of just going out and winging it, I’m laying out my game plan. Im getting pretty tired of pissing into the wind. I have to be real about this.

So here we go. This is my plan.

1. Remember this cycle thingy.


Since my appointment with the psychologist is so far away, I decided to do some of my own research into cognitive behavioural therapy. The lesson I took away from it was…

If you’re feeling depressed, and don’t want to do something, do it anyway…

It’s not the profound fucking answer I was hoping for when I started looking into it. But the more I looked at the picture up there, the more it makes sense.

When I first wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind is “nope…fuck this”

snooze.

The second time I wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind is “I need to smoke”

Now if I lay there and tell myself I can’t have one, I’m going to become stressed. If I’m stressed I’m going to start acting out, and when I notice that my behaviour is super cunty I am gong to want to smoke even more.

So tomorrow, the second time I wake up and feel like having a smoke, I’m going to just let that thought sit there. I’m going to get up, brush my teeth and stuff, then go on to do something that I enjoy doing… Probably video games.

I’m not going to fight the urge to smoke, I’m just going to let it be there, whilst I do other shit.

I haven’t really tried this yet, but it sounds good in theory. So we will see how it goes.

2. Avoid triggers

I need to try and stay away from all the things that make me want to smoke. At least for the first week or so.

Here is a list of things that make me want to smoke

  • Coffee
  • Alcohol
  • Sex
  • Driving
  • Walking
  • A decent meal
  • A shitty meal
  • Stress
  • Excitement
  • Advertisements
  • Miserable people
  • Condescending people
  • People in general
  • A Current Affair
  • Waking up
  • Trying to sleep
  • Winning a round of call of duty
  • Losing a round of call of duty
  • Catching up with friends
  • Being alone
  • Smelling other smokers
  • People telling me I’m doing good by not smoking
  • Going to the shop
  • Going to work
  • Having a shower

…you get the point
I’ll try anyway..

3. Stay strong

Sometimes it will be impossible for me to avoid triggers (obviously)

I can’t just not go to work in order to avoid a certain few wonderful characters. I can’t just not catch up with friends because they all fucking smoke.

In these situations I just need to suck it up, and not give in. I will remove my self from the situation for a moment. Take some mindfulness breaths, maybe imagine myself head butting the trigger, have a giggle, and then return fresh as a daisy.

Sounds good hey?

4. Be proud of what I am doing.

Tis is something I really need to work on. Usually when I do a good thing, I just downplay it in my head for some stupid reason. This time I will remember that what I’m doing is fucking hard, but I am doing it, and I deserve to be proud of it.

My supply’s are ready for me in the morning.

I will be soaking those smokes in water though… Just to be safe.

If anyone has any tips feel free to let me know before I get too irritable to listen to you 🙂

Wish me luck… Again

Learning how to not be depressed

It’s been either two or three weeks since I started on my anti depressants. For the first week or so I just felt crook as a dog.  I wanted to vomit all the time and felt completely drained. Now the side effects have worn off, and I just feel like myself again. When I say I feel like myself, I mean I feel like the person I was before taking the medication. I’m not really sure what effect these pills are suppose to have. But so far there hasn’t really been anything positive that I can write about.

i tried googling them as I was going out on Saturday night and wasn’t sure if alcohol would react badly with the medication. Some sites said it was fine and that the two do not react at all. Other sites said it could kill me..

I decided to gauge for myself. So I took it slow and drank beer and water alternately. I mostly just felt dehydrated the whole night. Towards the end Courtney’s work mates were buying me shots, and I’m not one to turn down a free shot, so that happened, and I’m not dead. So… The night was a success I guess.

Since I told everyone that I had depression, the amount of people who have told me they are in the same boat has actually been kind of shocking. Well over half the people I know have said they themselves, or someone they are close to, are taking anti depressants.

it is comforting to know that I’m not the only person who feels like this, and that if I ever need to talk, I have plenty of options. But this also bothered me.

there has to be more to it than a simple chemical imbalance, if so many people are in the same boat. If we are all just medicating ourselves in order to feel better, to fit in with the rest of the world, that isn’t really achieving anything is it?

i believe it is just a side effect of an inescapable, mundane existence. We all just follow eachother around, taking happy snaps and posting them online. Pretending that everything is awesome and that life is beautiful. When in reality, most of us are just fucking scared and confused and have no idea what the fuck we are doing. We just do shit because that’s what everyone else is doing. We think everyone else has it figured out so we try do the same. Things get repetitive. You do what you have to do to get by, and end up stuck in an endless loop of work, home, sleep, repeate. Sedating myself with food or Tv or substances that will just let me escape the routine.

Then you have advertisers who take advantage of these feelings. They know how to manipulate a person into thinking that their product will make them feel better. That shit is plastered everywhere. And it makes things worse. people look at these feelings of emptiness and lack of purpose, and attribute it to the fact that they don’t have awesome shit, or they haven’t traveled to awesome places, or their status isn’t where it should be. Evil.

i believe that there is something profoundly wrong with the way we are living. I have no idea how to change that, or if it is even possible to change that. Medication might make me feel better, but I don’t want to need medication to simply feel ok about being alive.

Honestly, I can’t wait for the psychologist to get in contact with me. I really want to talk about all of this stuff with someone who might be able to help me figure out my own thoughts.  Till then, I’m off to work.

Ciao

Apparently I have depression

‘good evening everyone, and welcome to The latest instalment of Nathan’s backwards attempt at self improvement.

On tonight’s episode, Nathan goes to the doctor and  gets diagnosed with anxiety and depression!’

(shock) (awe)

greeeeeeeat..

originaly I wasn’t going to tell anyone at all about it except for Courtney. I felt embarrassed, kind of ashamed, weak. It seems like the kind of thing that shouldn’t really be shared with the world. I was worried people might look at me differently.

But then I thought fuck it, and decided to write a blog about it. This type of thing seems to be pretty common now days. It explained quite a bit about some of my behaviours and thought processes. if anything, it will just help myself and others understand why I do some of the retarded stuff that I do.

they started me on medication as of today. It made me feel like I wanted to vomit for like 8 hours. Didn’t really notice much other than that. Day was normal, patients were positioned, cigarets were smoked, video games were played.

Apparently it can take a few weeks to start working though. So we will wait and see how that goes. I am also booked in for some sessions with a psychologist so they can try and psycologisze my shit.

One step forward, two steps back. Ay carumba (That is the worst phrase to try and sneak past auto correct)

im unsure as to wether I should put my quitting smoking attempts to the side and focuse on this, or try and do them both at the same time like an absolute legend. I know I will probably fail if I try both, but I can’t use this as another excuse to just keep smoking. I don’t bloody know.

why can’t I just be one of those people that is super well adjusted and has mad monies and says shit like “smoking is bad, mkaaaaaaaay”

‘On the next episode… Nathan wins the lottery and buys a rocket ship and flys to another planet where the tobacco makes you live forever. Stay tuned’

 

 

language warning

In today’s blog, i would like share something with you all. it is a piece of wisdom that i like to think i obtained a long time ago. its might be hard for some people to accept. but i wholeheartedly believe it to be true. If everyone on the planet would just follow this one piece of advice, the world would become a much better place.

Are you ready?

Here we go…

“You don’t have to be a cunt…”

Revolutionary stuff hey?

Even if you don’t particularly like someone. you don’t have to be a cunt to them. you can just not like them in your own head and continue about your day without being a piece of shit. I know it sounds crazy, but its true.

Now i know some of you might be thinking “what the fuck are you talking about Nathan, of course i need to be a cunt. How else will people know that they are shit and that i am better than them?”
But that’s the thing. It doesn’t matter if you are a scrubby shitkicker like me, or some highly respected ‘sir’ with fat bank account. it does not give you the right to treat others like shit.

I really struggle to understand why some people are just constantly assholes, day in, day out. There is no need for it… Ever. Why do people feel the need to just fucking break others down. Does it make them feel better about themselves? Is it how they were raised? do they get off on it or something?

You don’t know what is going on in another persons life. you don’t know what is going on in another persons head. they could be severely depressed, their dog may have just died, their car might have broken on the way to work. Then they come across some fuckwit who decides they are going to be a fuckwit simply because they feel like being a fuckwit.

A few small words of encouragement or praise can go a long way. I would love to be in a position where my words and actions could make someones day. yet so many people just choose to use their power or status to simply wave their dick around.

It is really starting to do my head in.
That’s fucking primary school stuff!  Everyone should know how to not be a fucking dingleberry by now. Full grown adults who don’t know how to behave like fucking adults.

I understand the irony of this post. I sound like a bit of a cunt myself. but god dammit What the actual fuck is wrong with people…