Nathan’s 7 step guide to building furniture for lazy assholes.

I’m not what you would call a typical handyman. Not because I’m completely useless or anything, but because I can’t stand doing handyman type things.

I CAN fix stuff, I CAN build stuff, I just don’t really want to.

Courtney and I once spent about a month pooping in the dark because I couldn’t bring myself to change the blown light bulb in the toilet.

So when it comes time to build furniture, I avoid it harder than girls use to avoid me when I was drunk at HQ trying to dance.

But now that there is a child on the way, I need to suck it up and start doing these type of things. I need to be the guy who picks up the dog shit rather than just going over it with the lawn mower. I need to be the guy who takes the 50 empty coffee cups from the car and proudly places them in the bin. I need to be the guy who builds furniture, even though I’d rather leave it in the box for the next six months.

And so, I present to you, Nathan’s step by step guide to build furniture for lazy assholes.

(That’s not me. I recently discovered stock photos. This guy looks like he knows how to build stuff, so i thought it would fit well)

STEP 1: opening the box.

(“Yea hi… i think I bought a faulty product… yea I can’t get it out of the box…hello?)

The first step is always the hardest. This saying is especially true when it comes to putting together flat packed furniture. I understand that company’s don’t want their boxes falling apart during shipping and transportation. But my god.

Staples that were forged in the fires of Mordor, glue made out of superman’s jizz, and enough tape to patch up the holes in the titanic… in its current state.

You will definitely need a pair of scissors or a good sharp knife for this stage. But be sure to keep your cool while holding these utensils.

Courtney actually tried to take the knife away from me. When I asked her why, she replied “I’m not sure if I feel comfortable being in the same room as you with a knife and IKEA furniture”

Eventually you will give up on trying to open the box, and just end up ripping it to smithereens with your bare hands.

STEP 2: reading the plans.

(“Nathan! You are building it upside down” “No Courtney, you are reading the plans upside down.” Actual quote)

The plans for these things aren’t really that hard to understand. Usually it’s just a bunch of pictures that show you exactly what you have to do.

The frustration comes when there are two pieces that look exactly the same. The only difference is a microscopic hole in the corner of one of them that you done notice. So you keep putting the pieces together, thinking you are doing a great job. Then ten pages later it tells you to screw something into that little hole on the inside. The same hole that is on the outside of what you made.

you have two choices.

1. You can take it all apart and start again.

2.

Always read then plans carefully. And pay attention to any insignificant looking holes you come across.

STEP 3: keep things organised.

(“WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE SMALL SCREWS!”)

You will be provided with a bag or two full or screws, pieces of wood, little tools and metal thingy’s.

LEAVE EVERYTHING YOU AREN’T USING AT THE TIME IN THE BAG.

Don’t be like me and place screws in your pocket, or wander out to the kitchen to get a drink and leave a tool next to the fridge.

There’s nothing worse than seeing the light at the end of this whole shitty experience, only to realise you are missing one god damn STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SCREWHIOGFFFHJKJHGGGAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Which brings us to the next step

STEP 4: Take regular breaks.

(An actual picture of me on my 754th smoko)

This is a very important step if you value your relationships and your mental health. You can try and smash it all out in one sitting, but the toll it will take can be considerable.

Reward yourself after every five minutes of solid work with a coffee break, or a smoko, or watch a movie or something. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. But there isn’t even anybody else competing against you this time. So you can take as long as you fucking want.

As long as you are capable of shutting out the inevitable comments like “Nathan you have had 5 breaks in the last half hour” and “I really don’t want to be sitting here all night, can we please just finish this!” Then this is the best way to go.

STEP 5: leave it overnight.

(“Fuck this shit”)

This is basically just an extension of step 4. It is very important because fuck this shit, future Nathan’s problem now.

STEP 6: drag yourself back in and get it done

(“Please kill me…”)

Present Nathan doesn’t much like past Nathan. See, past Nathan is always trying to palm things off onto future Nathan. But future Nathan never seems to show up. So present Nathan always gets stuck having the do all the bullshit that past Nathan didn’t want to do.

You are so close to finishing. The home stretch. Just suck it up and get it done. Don’t even think about it. Just do it.

Once you are finished you will be a little proud of yourself. Sure the doors are slightly crooked and it wobbles a fair bit when you touch it. But who cares! You made that. Give yourself a big pat on the back and then never, ever build anything again.

Until next time you go to IKEA with the wife and she sees something that might look nice in the living room…

STEP 7: Ride off into the sunset in ya undies with a bottle of wine.

I’m going to be a Dad… (Part 2)

It’s hard to picture myself as a dad. The idea of somebody looking up to me, listening to my every word and relying on me to educate them about the world, is a scary one.

What the fuck do I know about life?

When Courtney called me up this time around, my reaction was a little less shocked. This is what we wanted. It was time for us to start our family.

But I still had this feeling in my gut. It was different this time. This time i wasn’t scared of having a kid…  i was scared of losing it.

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I nearly got beat up at maccas

The other day i was on my way to work. part of my usual routine is to stop by maccas and get myself a coffee before i start.
The coffee there is pretty shit, but i don’t have to get out the car. I think that’s a fair trade off.
The drive through chick knows me now. We even make small talk. Well.. she makes small talk. I just smile and nod. Sometimes i throw in a few jumbled up sentences to try and be polite.
She actually asked me if i was gay once. Apparently her friend thought i was cute and wanted to know. I was both flattered and confused. Why the fuck would she think i was gay…

oh right… The bright yellow car…

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A cautionary tale

Todays blog was supposed to be about how I have signed up for the spartan race, and how I am raising money for charity. I was going to go into detail about my current fitness level, and begin to track my progress through this blog.

but something happend that I feel is more important.

i need to warn people about this.

so here we go…

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Nathan pays for petrol.

Today I filled my car up with petrol. While I was pumping I decided I wanted to make my interaction with the attendant slightly more meaningful than the usual number, pay and leave routine. People do it all the time. All I gotta to is ask generic questions like “how’s your day?” and “been busy?” Maybe make a comment about the wether or something. Just the usual crap nobody really cares about.

I finished pumping and walked up to the line for the register. There was a lady being served in front of me. She was having a laugh with the attendant about her kids or some shit. She obviously knew how to take this social interaction thing to the next level.
I wasn’t going to be deterred though. Just stick to the plan nathan, it will be fine.

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Week two: in the kitchen with Nathan

When I’m on nightshift it is really hard to muster up the motivation to do anything at all.
So it was really inconciderate of me to decide to start some new year, new me bullshit this week. This is suppose to be my week of doing fuck all.
But luckily I stumbled across some website whilst searching for online courses that had a massive discount going on. I searched the word “motivation” and the first course that came up was how to build your motivation- $200 dollars, discounted to $15.

I’m not sure if I just got an insane bargain or hustled for $15 bucks. But who cares, I need motivation dammit!

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shopping for grandma

Sorry to the people who have been commenting on this whilst i was gone. I’ve been avoiding coming back here. My mood was a bit shit for the last month or so. I didn’t want to be constantly writing depressing blogs about how everything sucked, so i figured it be best to just avoid it for a while.

But i am back and ready to dribble a bunch of shit for you to read whilst sitting on the toilet.

I should probably start by addressing my current smoking status.

I am on those Champix pills now. I have accepted that i do not have the willpower to do it on my own.

Its been three weeks, and apart from a drag here and there, i don’t even want a smoke.

Sure, i have been having some crazy weird nightmares about people dying and orgy’s and other fucked up things that i would rather not talk about. I also have trouble distinguishing between reality and my dreams when i first wake up in the morning sometimes.

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