I’m 27 now…shit

I decided to take a bath at 1 am this morning. With my now non existent sleep schedule, there’s no such thing as an appropriate time to do things. I attempted to make bubbles by pouring half of Courtney’s shampoo into the running water.  It ended up just making a weird white foam on the surface. Thinking back now, Maybe I accidentally used conditioner? Who knows.

I did some thinking when I was in there. This past week I have been on my run of late shifts.  My routine switches to the complete opposite of Courtney’s during this rotation. I pretty much don’t see her, or anyone else, at all.  So my mornings usually consist of:

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Tomorrow I quit…again

Here we go again. I’ve stocked up on everything I think I’m going to need to do this. Tomorrow, I begin my 100th attempt at quitting.

This time. Instead of just going out and winging it, I’m laying out my game plan. Im getting pretty tired of pissing into the wind. I have to be real about this.

So here we go. This is my plan.

1. Remember this cycle thingy.


Since my appointment with the psychologist is so far away, I decided to do some of my own research into cognitive behavioural therapy. The lesson I took away from it was…

If you’re feeling depressed, and don’t want to do something, do it anyway…

It’s not the profound fucking answer I was hoping for when I started looking into it. But the more I looked at the picture up there, the more it makes sense.

When I first wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind is “nope…fuck this”

snooze.

The second time I wake up in the morning, the first thing on my mind is “I need to smoke”

Now if I lay there and tell myself I can’t have one, I’m going to become stressed. If I’m stressed I’m going to start acting out, and when I notice that my behaviour is super cunty I am gong to want to smoke even more.

So tomorrow, the second time I wake up and feel like having a smoke, I’m going to just let that thought sit there. I’m going to get up, brush my teeth and stuff, then go on to do something that I enjoy doing… Probably video games.

I’m not going to fight the urge to smoke, I’m just going to let it be there, whilst I do other shit.

I haven’t really tried this yet, but it sounds good in theory. So we will see how it goes.

2. Avoid triggers

I need to try and stay away from all the things that make me want to smoke. At least for the first week or so.

Here is a list of things that make me want to smoke

  • Coffee
  • Alcohol
  • Sex
  • Driving
  • Walking
  • A decent meal
  • A shitty meal
  • Stress
  • Excitement
  • Advertisements
  • Miserable people
  • Condescending people
  • People in general
  • A Current Affair
  • Waking up
  • Trying to sleep
  • Winning a round of call of duty
  • Losing a round of call of duty
  • Catching up with friends
  • Being alone
  • Smelling other smokers
  • People telling me I’m doing good by not smoking
  • Going to the shop
  • Going to work
  • Having a shower

…you get the point
I’ll try anyway..

3. Stay strong

Sometimes it will be impossible for me to avoid triggers (obviously)

I can’t just not go to work in order to avoid a certain few wonderful characters. I can’t just not catch up with friends because they all fucking smoke.

In these situations I just need to suck it up, and not give in. I will remove my self from the situation for a moment. Take some mindfulness breaths, maybe imagine myself head butting the trigger, have a giggle, and then return fresh as a daisy.

Sounds good hey?

4. Be proud of what I am doing.

Tis is something I really need to work on. Usually when I do a good thing, I just downplay it in my head for some stupid reason. This time I will remember that what I’m doing is fucking hard, but I am doing it, and I deserve to be proud of it.

My supply’s are ready for me in the morning.

I will be soaking those smokes in water though… Just to be safe.

If anyone has any tips feel free to let me know before I get too irritable to listen to you 🙂

Wish me luck… Again

I hate coming up with titles 

I stopped taking my medication about a week ago. I didn’t like it at all. Yes, it worked, I didn’t feel as down as often. But I also wasn’t feeling good either. It was like my mood just kind of flatlined. I wasn’t happy, or sad, I just was.

I don’t want to live like that. What is the fucking point in living like that. Just merely existing. Not feeling anything. Ew.

The instruction leaflet that came with the box said not to immediately cease taking them unless the doctor says. I thought about that nicoret add. How it talks about cutting down and then stopping. So I snapped them in half for a couple days and then stopped. Close enough.

I did freak out for a while. I thought maybe I would go spiralling down into some crazy depression pit that I would never get out of.

But I haven’t yet. That’s a good thing.

I am still keeping my appointment with the psychologist. I really want to talk it out. But I didn’t like the idea of just medicating away my depression. I feel like this for a reason. I feel like this because I don’t like the way the world works, the way society works, the way people work.

Maybe I should just be greatful. I am lucky. I could have been born into a war torn country. Or one of those countries where they stone eachother to death for witchcraft and homosexuality or other random shit. or one where people starve to death and clean drinking water doesn’t exist. Or one where child soldiers are the norm, etc.

It’s a toss up between hell on earth, or just plain shit.

I was lucky enough to be born into a place where we have so much that 8 billion dollars worth of completely edible food goes to trash every year. A place where welfare recipients, drug addicts and homeless and generally considered the lowest of the low, whilst there are people who could baisicly end world hunger by emptying out the change in their pockets, but don’t, and they are respected and idolised.Here I have the opurtunity to work for 40 hours per week for 60 or so years, to allow me to obtain more shit than the cunts I went to high school with.  so I can buy shit produced by those countries where people don’t fucking eat, to keep up with fashion and what not, and say ” I worked hard, I earned this ridiculously oversized house and inbuilt car seat warmers so my ass doesn’t ever have to touch my cold leather seat. cold leather seats are for peasants”. All the while everyone’s bombing the fuck out of eachother because land ownership, God, and profitable wars are things.

Look, If people want clean drinking water they should just fucking work hard like me. Bludgers..

Anyway, apart from all that, things have been pretty positive lately.

I needed more stuff to do so I wasn’t sitting around thinking all the time. So I got myself a skateboard. I fixed up my old skate shoes with supplies from our first aid kid, MCgyver style, and I have been having so much fun on it. Just cruising up and down the esplanade for a few hours. I think I pulled a muscle in my ass though. Also my foot was getting some really sharp pains in it. I dunno

I’m also currently trying to learn computer code. I’m not entirely sure why yet. I just seen a thing on the internet about how Obama apparently said everyone should know how to code. I’m not gonna argue with Obama.

It’s actually really fun. Very challenging, but it provides me with multiple epiphany moments every time I do it. Because of stupid shit like forgetting to capitalise a letter. After spending an hour searching for my mistake.. BANG.. I’m totally a genius.

Tomorrow, I will attempt to do my favourite thing in the entire world.

I’m going to try quit again.

Wish me luck people. We all know I really need it.

Learning how to not be depressed

It’s been either two or three weeks since I started on my anti depressants. For the first week or so I just felt crook as a dog.  I wanted to vomit all the time and felt completely drained. Now the side effects have worn off, and I just feel like myself again. When I say I feel like myself, I mean I feel like the person I was before taking the medication. I’m not really sure what effect these pills are suppose to have. But so far there hasn’t really been anything positive that I can write about.

i tried googling them as I was going out on Saturday night and wasn’t sure if alcohol would react badly with the medication. Some sites said it was fine and that the two do not react at all. Other sites said it could kill me..

I decided to gauge for myself. So I took it slow and drank beer and water alternately. I mostly just felt dehydrated the whole night. Towards the end Courtney’s work mates were buying me shots, and I’m not one to turn down a free shot, so that happened, and I’m not dead. So… The night was a success I guess.

Since I told everyone that I had depression, the amount of people who have told me they are in the same boat has actually been kind of shocking. Well over half the people I know have said they themselves, or someone they are close to, are taking anti depressants.

it is comforting to know that I’m not the only person who feels like this, and that if I ever need to talk, I have plenty of options. But this also bothered me.

there has to be more to it than a simple chemical imbalance, if so many people are in the same boat. If we are all just medicating ourselves in order to feel better, to fit in with the rest of the world, that isn’t really achieving anything is it?

i believe it is just a side effect of an inescapable, mundane existence. We all just follow eachother around, taking happy snaps and posting them online. Pretending that everything is awesome and that life is beautiful. When in reality, most of us are just fucking scared and confused and have no idea what the fuck we are doing. We just do shit because that’s what everyone else is doing. We think everyone else has it figured out so we try do the same. Things get repetitive. You do what you have to do to get by, and end up stuck in an endless loop of work, home, sleep, repeate. Sedating myself with food or Tv or substances that will just let me escape the routine.

Then you have advertisers who take advantage of these feelings. They know how to manipulate a person into thinking that their product will make them feel better. That shit is plastered everywhere. And it makes things worse. people look at these feelings of emptiness and lack of purpose, and attribute it to the fact that they don’t have awesome shit, or they haven’t traveled to awesome places, or their status isn’t where it should be. Evil.

i believe that there is something profoundly wrong with the way we are living. I have no idea how to change that, or if it is even possible to change that. Medication might make me feel better, but I don’t want to need medication to simply feel ok about being alive.

Honestly, I can’t wait for the psychologist to get in contact with me. I really want to talk about all of this stuff with someone who might be able to help me figure out my own thoughts.  Till then, I’m off to work.

Ciao

Apparently I have depression

‘good evening everyone, and welcome to The latest instalment of Nathan’s backwards attempt at self improvement.

On tonight’s episode, Nathan goes to the doctor and  gets diagnosed with anxiety and depression!’

(shock) (awe)

greeeeeeeat..

originaly I wasn’t going to tell anyone at all about it except for Courtney. I felt embarrassed, kind of ashamed, weak. It seems like the kind of thing that shouldn’t really be shared with the world. I was worried people might look at me differently.

But then I thought fuck it, and decided to write a blog about it. This type of thing seems to be pretty common now days. It explained quite a bit about some of my behaviours and thought processes. if anything, it will just help myself and others understand why I do some of the retarded stuff that I do.

they started me on medication as of today. It made me feel like I wanted to vomit for like 8 hours. Didn’t really notice much other than that. Day was normal, patients were positioned, cigarets were smoked, video games were played.

Apparently it can take a few weeks to start working though. So we will wait and see how that goes. I am also booked in for some sessions with a psychologist so they can try and psycologisze my shit.

One step forward, two steps back. Ay carumba (That is the worst phrase to try and sneak past auto correct)

im unsure as to wether I should put my quitting smoking attempts to the side and focuse on this, or try and do them both at the same time like an absolute legend. I know I will probably fail if I try both, but I can’t use this as another excuse to just keep smoking. I don’t bloody know.

why can’t I just be one of those people that is super well adjusted and has mad monies and says shit like “smoking is bad, mkaaaaaaaay”

‘On the next episode… Nathan wins the lottery and buys a rocket ship and flys to another planet where the tobacco makes you live forever. Stay tuned’

 

 

language warning

In today’s blog, i would like share something with you all. it is a piece of wisdom that i like to think i obtained a long time ago. its might be hard for some people to accept. but i wholeheartedly believe it to be true. If everyone on the planet would just follow this one piece of advice, the world would become a much better place.

Are you ready?

Here we go…

“You don’t have to be a cunt…”

Revolutionary stuff hey?

Even if you don’t particularly like someone. you don’t have to be a cunt to them. you can just not like them in your own head and continue about your day without being a piece of shit. I know it sounds crazy, but its true.

Now i know some of you might be thinking “what the fuck are you talking about Nathan, of course i need to be a cunt. How else will people know that they are shit and that i am better than them?”
But that’s the thing. It doesn’t matter if you are a scrubby shitkicker like me, or some highly respected ‘sir’ with fat bank account. it does not give you the right to treat others like shit.

I really struggle to understand why some people are just constantly assholes, day in, day out. There is no need for it… Ever. Why do people feel the need to just fucking break others down. Does it make them feel better about themselves? Is it how they were raised? do they get off on it or something?

You don’t know what is going on in another persons life. you don’t know what is going on in another persons head. they could be severely depressed, their dog may have just died, their car might have broken on the way to work. Then they come across some fuckwit who decides they are going to be a fuckwit simply because they feel like being a fuckwit.

A few small words of encouragement or praise can go a long way. I would love to be in a position where my words and actions could make someones day. yet so many people just choose to use their power or status to simply wave their dick around.

It is really starting to do my head in.
That’s fucking primary school stuff!  Everyone should know how to not be a fucking dingleberry by now. Full grown adults who don’t know how to behave like fucking adults.

I understand the irony of this post. I sound like a bit of a cunt myself. but god dammit What the actual fuck is wrong with people…