Having a baby will NOT make you happy!

Before becoming a father, I had this idea in my head about what being a dad was all about. I had it all planned out. I knew what type of parent I wanted to be. I knew how I was going to make every thing work. I was going to be a legendary dad and do everything right all the time.

And then bubs came along, and all of that got thrown straight out the window…

From the very first moment I saw his beautiful little face, in between all of the love and adoration I was feeling, was this lingering sense of “what the fuck have I got myself into”.

See, nobody actually tells you how things are going to be. Post-newborn parents like to crack jokes like “make sure you get plenty of sleep before the baby comes”. You laugh along with them, not realising that they aren’t joking. Not realising they are actually a bunch of sadists who are enjoying the fact that you are about to go through the same torture they once went through themselves. Their giggles aren’t friendly banter. They lost their minds years ago.

I use to wonder why so many of the young parents I knew would end up separated within the first year of having a kid. Others just seemed to have only negative things to say about being a parent. I didn’t understand. Why the fuck did you have a kid if you didn’t want to deal with the trials of being a parent.

But I get it now.

It’s fucking hard.

And there isn’t anything that can really prepare you for it.

It will test your will power. It will test your relationships. It will test your ability to function without sleep.

It’s not like getting a new puppy. Bring him home and just give it some food and hope it doesn’t piss on the carpet.

A newborn literally can’t do anything. It needs you every second of every day. And you have to be on the ball, regardless of how you feel. When he decides its time to eat or poop, you will sort that out for him. No questions buddy.

You will question yourself. Constantly wondering if you are doing the right thing. But you don’t need to worry about that too much, as everyone else will be more than willing to let you know how it’s “suppose” to be done. Hundreds of different opinions. Just have to pick one and hope it works out I guess.

Clock time no longer exists. You are running on baby time now. When you are on baby time, it’s always a good time for breakfast. Two thirty in the morning? Hell yea let’s eat. 11:30 at night? Fuck oath get me some milk dad! Half and hour after eating first breakfast? Yaaaaaas time for second breakfast.

Going anywhere at all becomes a mission. The amount of gear you need to remember is astonishing. I use to struggle with the big three before baby was around. Wallet, keys, phone. Now there’s an itinerary for a trip to IGA for some milk.

You wana hope you and your partner built a strong foundation before bubs got here. Because when he’s screaming at three in the morning and you can’t figure out what the fuck he wants, and you get so unbelievably frustrated, there’s a good chance that frustration will get re-routed to the closest target. Just make sure you both understand that you are in the exact same boat. You need to be doing this as a team.

Even if you have the absolute worst day at work. Once you get home, you need to get into dad mode. Mums been doing it all day and needs some rest. You take baby, but he just won’t stop crying. Nothing you try is working. He can’t tell you either. So you sit there rocking back and forth, wondering what the hell you are going to do.

Then suddenly he stops…

And he makes a weird little “gooo” sound.

Then he falls asleep.

And it is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen in your entire life, and you remember that this is what you have always wanted, and that you wouldn’t change a thing.

Having a baby won’t make you happy. Happy is to simple of a word to use to describe how it will make you feel. It’s crazy, stressful, beautiful, agonising, tedious, amazing, wonderfull…. All the emotions. All squashed into one little baby shaped package.

And it is the best thing you will ever do.

If you can survive it..

Nathan’s 7 step guide to building furniture for lazy assholes.

I’m not what you would call a typical handyman. Not because I’m completely useless or anything, but because I can’t stand doing handyman type things.

I CAN fix stuff, I CAN build stuff, I just don’t really want to.

Courtney and I once spent about a month pooping in the dark because I couldn’t bring myself to change the blown light bulb in the toilet.

So when it comes time to build furniture, I avoid it harder than girls use to avoid me when I was drunk at HQ trying to dance.

But now that there is a child on the way, I need to suck it up and start doing these type of things. I need to be the guy who picks up the dog shit rather than just going over it with the lawn mower. I need to be the guy who takes the 50 empty coffee cups from the car and proudly places them in the bin. I need to be the guy who builds furniture, even though I’d rather leave it in the box for the next six months.

And so, I present to you, Nathan’s step by step guide to build furniture for lazy assholes.

(That’s not me. I recently discovered stock photos. This guy looks like he knows how to build stuff, so i thought it would fit well)

STEP 1: opening the box.

(“Yea hi… i think I bought a faulty product… yea I can’t get it out of the box…hello?)

The first step is always the hardest. This saying is especially true when it comes to putting together flat packed furniture. I understand that company’s don’t want their boxes falling apart during shipping and transportation. But my god.

Staples that were forged in the fires of Mordor, glue made out of superman’s jizz, and enough tape to patch up the holes in the titanic… in its current state.

You will definitely need a pair of scissors or a good sharp knife for this stage. But be sure to keep your cool while holding these utensils.

Courtney actually tried to take the knife away from me. When I asked her why, she replied “I’m not sure if I feel comfortable being in the same room as you with a knife and IKEA furniture”

Eventually you will give up on trying to open the box, and just end up ripping it to smithereens with your bare hands.

STEP 2: reading the plans.

(“Nathan! You are building it upside down” “No Courtney, you are reading the plans upside down.” Actual quote)

The plans for these things aren’t really that hard to understand. Usually it’s just a bunch of pictures that show you exactly what you have to do.

The frustration comes when there are two pieces that look exactly the same. The only difference is a microscopic hole in the corner of one of them that you done notice. So you keep putting the pieces together, thinking you are doing a great job. Then ten pages later it tells you to screw something into that little hole on the inside. The same hole that is on the outside of what you made.

you have two choices.

1. You can take it all apart and start again.

2.

Always read then plans carefully. And pay attention to any insignificant looking holes you come across.

STEP 3: keep things organised.

(“WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL THE SMALL SCREWS!”)

You will be provided with a bag or two full or screws, pieces of wood, little tools and metal thingy’s.

LEAVE EVERYTHING YOU AREN’T USING AT THE TIME IN THE BAG.

Don’t be like me and place screws in your pocket, or wander out to the kitchen to get a drink and leave a tool next to the fridge.

There’s nothing worse than seeing the light at the end of this whole shitty experience, only to realise you are missing one god damn STUPID FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT SCREWHIOGFFFHJKJHGGGAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Which brings us to the next step

STEP 4: Take regular breaks.

(An actual picture of me on my 754th smoko)

This is a very important step if you value your relationships and your mental health. You can try and smash it all out in one sitting, but the toll it will take can be considerable.

Reward yourself after every five minutes of solid work with a coffee break, or a smoko, or watch a movie or something. Remember, slow and steady wins the race. But there isn’t even anybody else competing against you this time. So you can take as long as you fucking want.

As long as you are capable of shutting out the inevitable comments like “Nathan you have had 5 breaks in the last half hour” and “I really don’t want to be sitting here all night, can we please just finish this!” Then this is the best way to go.

STEP 5: leave it overnight.

(“Fuck this shit”)

This is basically just an extension of step 4. It is very important because fuck this shit, future Nathan’s problem now.

STEP 6: drag yourself back in and get it done

(“Please kill me…”)

Present Nathan doesn’t much like past Nathan. See, past Nathan is always trying to palm things off onto future Nathan. But future Nathan never seems to show up. So present Nathan always gets stuck having the do all the bullshit that past Nathan didn’t want to do.

You are so close to finishing. The home stretch. Just suck it up and get it done. Don’t even think about it. Just do it.

Once you are finished you will be a little proud of yourself. Sure the doors are slightly crooked and it wobbles a fair bit when you touch it. But who cares! You made that. Give yourself a big pat on the back and then never, ever build anything again.

Until next time you go to IKEA with the wife and she sees something that might look nice in the living room…

STEP 7: Ride off into the sunset in ya undies with a bottle of wine.

I’m going to be a Dad… (Part 2)

It’s hard to picture myself as a dad. The idea of somebody looking up to me, listening to my every word and relying on me to educate them about the world, is a scary one.

What the fuck do I know about life?

When Courtney called me up this time around, my reaction was a little less shocked. This is what we wanted. It was time for us to start our family.

But I still had this feeling in my gut. It was different this time. This time i wasn’t scared of having a kid…  i was scared of losing it.

Continue reading