Nathan pays for petrol.

Today I filled my car up with petrol. While I was pumping I decided I wanted to make my interaction with the attendant slightly more meaningful than the usual number, pay and leave routine. People do it all the time. All I gotta to is ask generic questions like “how’s your day?” and “been busy?” Maybe make a comment about the wether or something. Just the usual crap nobody really cares about.

I finished pumping and walked up to the line for the register. There was a lady being served in front of me. She was having a laugh with the attendant about her kids or some shit. She obviously knew how to take this social interaction thing to the next level.
I wasn’t going to be deterred though. Just stick to the plan nathan, it will be fine.

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I’m 27 now…shit

I decided to take a bath at 1 am this morning. With my now non existent sleep schedule, there’s no such thing as an appropriate time to do things. I attempted to make bubbles by pouring half of Courtney’s shampoo into the running water.  It ended up just making a weird white foam on the surface. Thinking back now, Maybe I accidentally used conditioner? Who knows.

I did some thinking when I was in there. This past week I have been on my run of late shifts.  My routine switches to the complete opposite of Courtney’s during this rotation. I pretty much don’t see her, or anyone else, at all.  So my mornings usually consist of:

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My Dog

I love my dog.

Her name is Navi. She is named after a sidekick in a video game i use to play when i was a kid. She is my sidekick.

Every night she alternates between laying down in bed with Courtney, and coming out to the lounge room to hang out with me. The little tag on her collar jingles as she wanders up and down the hallway.

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Week two: in the kitchen with Nathan

When I’m on nightshift it is really hard to muster up the motivation to do anything at all.
So it was really inconciderate of me to decide to start some new year, new me bullshit this week. This is suppose to be my week of doing fuck all.
But luckily I stumbled across some website whilst searching for online courses that had a massive discount going on. I searched the word “motivation” and the first course that came up was how to build your motivation- $200 dollars, discounted to $15.

I’m not sure if I just got an insane bargain or hustled for $15 bucks. But who cares, I need motivation dammit!

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Week One: Fix My Blog

I have decided to change the entire theme of my blog.

After reading back over a couple of my old posts, I noticed how much of a god damn whinger i am. Always complaining about all the shit i don’t do, or wish i could do, or try to do but suck at.

I kept just going round in circles without actually doing anything at all.

In my last post i talked about taking baby steps, and how my new years resolution is to start pushing past the things that have been holding me back.

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shopping for grandma

Sorry to the people who have been commenting on this whilst i was gone. I’ve been avoiding coming back here. My mood was a bit shit for the last month or so. I didn’t want to be constantly writing depressing blogs about how everything sucked, so i figured it be best to just avoid it for a while.

But i am back and ready to dribble a bunch of shit for you to read whilst sitting on the toilet.

I should probably start by addressing my current smoking status.

I am on those Champix pills now. I have accepted that i do not have the willpower to do it on my own.

Its been three weeks, and apart from a drag here and there, i don’t even want a smoke.

Sure, i have been having some crazy weird nightmares about people dying and orgy’s and other fucked up things that i would rather not talk about. I also have trouble distinguishing between reality and my dreams when i first wake up in the morning sometimes.

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My amazing week off work

Today marks the end of a 9 day holiday that I decided to take because I wanted to.

My original plan was to shut myself in. To allow myself to go into detox mode without any distractions. i was going to get up early every day. I was going to study a whole heap. I was going to get over smoking for good.

i planned to use this time to make myself a stronger person.

of course things didn’t work out the way I planned it. I am me after all..

The first few days were spent freaking out about the upcoming house inspection. Mostly because last time they came round for a geez, there was dust on the ceiling fan. That apparently warrants a re inspection.

we cleaned the house spotless and passed. This left me with 5 days to follow through with my original plan.

i woke up late on tuesday morning.

thats ok. Minor hiccup. Time to go to gym.

i drove to gym, because I don’t want to be paying for a place to exercise and then exercising for free. How stupid.

i sat down on one of the benches and looked around.

there were dudes with arms the size of my torso, veins popping out of their fucking forehead with each rep. Girls caked in makeup all lined up on the treadmill watching tv.

i looked at myself in the mirror. My pants had some kind of food stain on them from the night before. I had the neck beard happening. My 1 dollar beanie from eBay just barley high enough on my forehead for me to be able to see.

i thought to myself “I don’t fucking belong here”

so, without even picking up a weight. I got up and left.

Ok. So no more gym for the week. I’ll just go home and do some study.

i rocked up home, opened up my laptop, and began watching one of the lectures for the course I am trying to do.

the kid speaking couldn’t have been any older than 20. And he was speaking in words that I didn’t even know existed.

what the fuck am I doing. This kids at least 6 years under me, and is teaching a fucking uni course. Who am I kidding. I can’t do this. I’m too far gone.

so I shut my laptop.

as long as I’m not smoking, it’s all good.

I decided to play a 1 round of my game. Just to take my mind off things.

one round turned into two. Two rounds turned into five. Five rounds turned into “fuck, it’s 3 in the morning… I should probably go to bed”

i woke up even later on Wednesday.

Fuck it. What good does waking up early do anyway.

not going to go to gym. Not even going to try and study.

What the fuck should I do then…

i think I’ll play just one round…

“fuck it’s 4 in the morning….”

woke up around lunch time on Thursday. I resented myself for wasting two whole fucking days playing video games.

im not doing that today.

I got on Facebook. Did the usual scroll for something interesting.

nothing but memes. Happy snaps. Insincere posts about how wonderful life is. Pictures of stuff people had bought. Captions about how proud they were for buying it.

closed facebook.

spent the rest of the day watching pirated streams of some Netflix show until Courtney got home.

we went to a friends that night for drinks. I took my gaming console with me. Because without alcohol I’m useless at conversation.

it was fun.

woke up at lunch time on Friday. Told myself I’m not going to waste another fucking day.

opened up Facebook.

Same shit. Bullshit happy birthday from people who barely know eachother. Random crappy quotes from people I’ve never even fucking heard of.

why the fuck to i keep coming on here. It’s all just bullshit.

i started losing it.

i began posting random shit about corporations. Advertising. The things that bug me.

“what the fuck are you doing Nathan. No one cares what you have to say. You are just making yourself look like a wanker..”

so I decided I would delete my Facebook.

I don’t need it. It’s not like anyone gives a shit anyway. And I sure as fuck won’t be missing out on much. Let them talk about how much they fucking love life.

i then deleted all the games from my phone. They are just a waste of time anyway.

i deleted instagram.

I deleted WordPress.

i deleted everything.

i woke up on Saturday, and didn’t even want to get out of bed. Courtney was home though and wanted to hang out. After several attempts, she finally managed to get me out of bed.

we went food shopping and it was nice.

When we got home, i layed down on the couch. I don’t know what the fuck went through my head, but I pretty much went catatonic. Friends were calling me, I told them I was napping. Courtney tried all kinds of things to get me up, but I just didn’t want a bar of it.

i just didn’t want to be a part of the world.

i wanted to just lie there.

i wasn’t smoking, so it was ok.

by about six in the arvo I kind of snapped out of it.

we went to my dads. Dad and I played video games. It was fun…

thismorning I woke up around 8 as we had an engagement party to go to. I was in better spirits. Courtney was nervous because there were going to be some old friends there that she really missed but was worried they wouldn’t want to talk with her.

we went to the party and it was great. I was desk driver, so I only had a couple drinks. Courtney got fairly drunk and was having a great time with her old friends.

So I dropped them at the pub afterwards. And headed home.

Whilst I was at the party, I remembered that I have no social skill and can’t connect with people in real life. So I got back on Facebook.

On the way home…. I bought a packet of smokes.

i don’t even fucking know why. I just did.

when I got home, I played video games until Courtney called me to pick her up. I dropped her friends of home, put Courtney to bed, then made myself a milo, and sat down out the back with my packet of smokes to write this blog.


so there it is. My super fucking productive week. I have no drive. I have no desire. I just do stuff. I want to disconnect from the world, But I can’t. I don’t want to be a part of this bullshit game, but there isn’t really any other option. I love my fiancé, and don’t want to have to put her though bullshit like this. Sometimes I feel like I’m dragging her down. I wonder if I will ever be able to snap out of this.




I’m tired. Here’s a blog 

Hello all. Thought I would check in as I haven’t been back here in a while.

My most recent attempt at quitting smoking has been…patchy.

I went a couple weeks, got drunk and bought a pack, went a couple days, got stressed and bought a pack, went a couple more days, got bored and bought a pack, and so on.

It’s still an improvement over 20 a day I guess. But it’s starting to feel like this is just dragging on forever. It’s nearly fucking 2017! Where the hell did this year even go? What even happened this year?

Time definatly feels like it’s speeding up each year. I  think it’s because as you get older, there is less new and exiting shit for you to do, so there are less memories made. So really time isn’t speeding up at all, you are just filling up your years with less new experiences, and more fuck all.

Speaking of fuck all. I have been reading up on something called memory anchors, to try and add more tools to my quitting tool kit. 

So certain external events can have a feeling or a memory attached to them. Like when you listen to a song that reminds you of your childhood. Or how public showers remind me of how I once accidentally pooped in the shower on a school camp and had to reluctantly stamp it down the drain hole.

Those associations can trigger powerful emotions. Apparently it’s possible to take advantage of that.

So every time I’m feeling good, and confident about not smoking, I have been digging the nail of my right thumb into the knuckle of my middle finger. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll be able to perform that small action, and it will evoke those feeling that I have been trying to attach to it.

So far it hasn’t fucking worked. But I’m going to keep trying it because some guy wrote a book on it, so surely there’s something to it.

I’m also still trying to learn to code computers. I’m mostly doing this because I know that orderlies aren’t going to be around forever. I mean, they have fucking robots doing surgery now. It’s only a matter of time before someone invents a machine that will stick a fucking diathermy pad on a patients leg..

But I am getting extremely frustrated with it. I have too much self doubt and I’m fantastic at talkin myself out of doing stuff. It’s not coming easily enough to me. When things don’t come easy to me I assume they will never come to me. Is it worth me spending all this time and effort on something I will probably never even get. Now that I think about it, I don’t even really know what fucking jobs are available to someone who knows how to code. Am I wasting my time? Maybe I should just accept my fate.

On the bright side, I’ve been sticking at the gym. If I can’t do anything else, at least I can be buff… Eventually.

Why is everything such a god damn effort