Why am I the way I am?

I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac.

I once thought i had lupus. Like, I Legit believed I had it. I googled my symptoms and was like “This is one hundred percent what is wrong with me.” I began telling people I thought i had lupus, and looking up how i was going to go through life with this new self diagnosis.

I didn’t have lupus. Obviously.

Everyone except me already knew that.

Physical or mental, There is always something. I am always looking for an excuse as to why I am the way I am.

Could it be the fact that I have had a shit diet since I was 5, been a heavy smoker (now vape) since i was 15, And have rarely had a decent nights sleep since i came out the womb. Or maybe it was the ten developmental years of heavy binge drinking.

Nah, it’s a medical condition. Something that is completely out of my control. Something that will absolve me of all responsibility for the retarded decisions, neurotic behaviours, and general un-well existence that i have entertained for most of my life. Something that will allow me to sit back, take some prescription drugs, and be like ‘Yea nah I have a condition”.

My latest one was inattentive ADHD. I took a bunch of tests online, and found the answer to all of my problems.

I told Courtney about it. I can only imagine what she must be thinking every time i come up with some random bullshit like this. She has never once made me feel stupid though. She will say something like “Nathan, If you are genuinely concerned about this I want you to speak to a doctor, and I will support you one hundred percent”.

I love her so much.

I did speak to a doctor. He said it’s pretty much impossible to diagnose in adults, asked me if I smoke meth or snore, and then booked me in for a blood test.

So yea, I probably don’t have inattentive ADHD either.

I think I just have a hard time accepting that there can be such a wide gap between the person I am, and the person I want to be. How can I be stopping myself from doing things that I want to do? That doesn’t make sense. There has to something else going on.

Like I would seriously love to just sit down at the table and smash a fucking salad for dinner. No meat, no croutons, extra tomatoes. But I wouldn’t last through the gaging of the first few bites. Why? If I want to do it why cant I do It?

The worst part of all this is that I know the answer to that.

I can do it.

Everything I have ever put my mind to for more than five minutes has either began to show results before i bail on it, or has just worked out and things have been better off moving forward. I have proved that to myself in the last couple of years.

But it is just something that I rarely do. Theres no excuses. No conditions. I just don’t do it.

I am not going to make any vows about how from now on i am going to start doing xyz like I use to. It did have some good results sometimes, but for the most part I was talking shit.

I am just going to quietly be more aware of when I am trying to cop out on myself. Maybe examine my habits a bit closer. Might even go back to gym once the COVID is out of my system.

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