It’s hard to picture myself as a dad. The idea of somebody looking up to me, listening to my every word and relying on me to educate them about the world, is a scary one.
What the fuck do I know about life?
When Courtney called me up this time around, my reaction was a little less shocked. This is what we wanted. It was time for us to start our family.
But I still had this feeling in my gut. It was different this time. This time i wasn’t scared of having a kid… i was scared of losing it.
Instead of those first few weeks being a joyous time, they were filled with anxiety. I would say things to Courtney like “don’t worry, whatever happens from here on out is out of our control”. I wanted to be able to make her relax and be excited, but is hard to try to convince somebody to be cool when inside you are freaking the fuck out as well.
We tried to google every single piece of food that we were going to eat. To make sure that it was safe for baby. Yet sometimes we missed things.
On one of the rare occasions where we had a day off together, we decided to go and get hot dogs for lunch. We got way exited about what sauce we were going to have on them, and what milkshakes we were going to get with them ( it’s the little things ). Just before we were about to leave, Courtney called a friend whose house we were on our way too, and asked if she wanted one.
I wasn’t paying much attention to the conversation, as i was too busy thinking about how fucking good this hotdog was going to be. Courtney hung up the phone, and then burst into tears.
“Courtney what’s happened?” I panicked.
Courtney turned to me, and sobbed “I can’t eat hotdog’s when I’m pregnant”
I burst out laughing.
“Courtney, relax” i said, still giggling. “We will just go get some hot chips or something”
“You don’t understand” she replied.
“I just don’t know what I’m doing. It’s so hard. I don’t know what i can and can’t do. I’m trying to research it, but there’s just so much. I’m scared Nathan. What if we lose it again? I don’t want to lose it again!”
After hearing her speak this, it’s safe to say I felt pretty shitty about my initial reaction.
It was hard to know how to respond to that, because I did understand. I knew exactly what she was saying, but i didn’t want her to be upset. I hate seeing her upset. I wanted to say something that would take her worries away. I wanted to make her happy and excited again. I wanted to tell her that everything was going to be fine. But i didn’t fucking know how.
“lets not let hotdogs ruin the rest of the day for us” I said.
Courtney giggled and agreed.
For the first few weeks, Courtney was as crook as a dog. She had morning sickness all day, every day. Luckily for us i am a pig and have an excess of old McDonald’s bag’s lying around on the floor of my car. Because you never know when you might have someone who needs to vomit in the passenger seat.
It was also a struggle for her to eat. There was nothing she wanted apart from overcooked chicken. So i would pan fry a couple of chicken breasts for like an hour until it was all rubbery and there wasn’t a drop of moisture left in it.
We both worried about it being normal. We asked friends and family, they all smiled and told us stories their own morning sickness. We went to the doctor a few times, he told us it was completely normal. But it didn’t stop us from worrying. The only thing that would stop that was going to be getting past the first trimester.
It was time to get the scan. I think it’s called the dating scan or something.
Courtney had to drink a stupid amount of water before hand so that her bladder would be full. Apparently it help’s with being able to see on the ultrasound. I rocked up at the ultrasound place and Courtney met me there. We were about half an hour early so we sat in the car while Courtney struggled to finish the last of her water.
“Nathan, I can’t hold this is in much longer, I’m going to pee my pants” she said anxiously.
Being the immature dickhead that i am, i decided to start doing that thing where you flick your cheek and blow air at the same time, and it sounds like water dripping from a tap.
Courtney sighed “I’m going to fucking kill you one day”
“I don’t doubt it” I replied.
When we entered the room with the ultrasound machine, We were both a little on edge. But Courtney is an expert at breaking tension. She makes jokes that are so inappropriate, that it’s impossible not to laugh. As the lady was lubing up the probe thingy, Courtney says something like
“I hope you can find your way around down there, It’s like a bloody jungle at the moment”
I put my face in my hands.
“What?” she says.
“You’re welcome to do it for me if it bothers you that much”
Meanwhile the ultrasound lady is having a good old chuckle to herself.
She starts the ultra sound, and almost immediately finds what she’s looking for. There on the screen… was this gigantic head attached to a tiny little baby body.
At that moment, it all became real.
There it was. Our baby.
I looked over at Courtney, She was in tears. She was so happy. I had wanted to see her like this again since i first received that phone call. It was hard for me to choose between watching our baby on the screen, or Courtney’s face lighting up at the sight of it.
It was wiggling its tiny little fingers, as if it was waving. Then it started opening and closing its mouth, over and over again.
“Looks like it’s already taking after its mum” I said.
Courtney just smiled, and kept staring at the screen.
This was probably my favorite moment so far. It just felt like we were finally out of the woods. Seeing it there on the screen, all fat-headed and healthy. It was just such a relief. It was beautiful.
From that day onward, things started to become less worrying. I finally started to see Courtney fall in love with being pregnant again.
She started taking photos of the bump again. She started talking to the baby again. Every time she felt the slightest wriggle or kick she would yell out “Nathan! Come quick, its moving again!”
This is how its suppose to be. I love seeing my wife post a million photos on Facebook. It is proof that she is finally happy and excited about being a mum again.
And I am loving every second of it.
( Except for the part where we put together the furniture for the baby’s room. That is going to get its own blog eventually, because i fucking HATE flat pack furniture and i need vent ).