Where I’m at now

Sorry for leaving such long gaps between blogs now days.

I just haven’t been feeling it as much lately.

Tonight I’m going to talk about where I’m at in my head, for those that are interested.

I stopped seeing the psychologist. The appointments were three to four months apart. So by the time I went back to see him, we had both forgotten what we talked about last time.

He would pull out his little note pad, and we would have to go over everything again. He would ask me how I was feeling lately. I’d respond with “err… same as last time…” and then he would print of some pieces of paper about the effects of caffeine and get me to watch YouTube videos about the “black dog”

Then I got a phone call the other day saying my psychologist was leaving, and to see if i wanted to book in with someone else

Fuck that.

Obviously I’m making it out to be worse than it actually was. But I feel like I’d need too be speaking more often than quarterly for that sort of thing to be effective. And then to have to start all over again…

We did work out that I’m not really a huge fan of a certain place that I have to visit nearly every day. That it may be the cause of a few of my problems. Not the least of which is my new found anxiety about my health.

In the last year I’ve had multiple pee tests, blood tests, fingers up me bum, cameras down my throat, ultra sounds on my nuts, multiple ECG’s and a fuck load of visits to the doctor about every ache, pain and itch I’ve been getting.

Almost all of them have turned out to be absolutely nothing. (Except for the butt rash… I won’t go into detail)

I Think I’m spending too much time on my own. It’s making me a little paranoid.

BUT it’s not all bad. The depression side of things has actually got better. I mean, I still see the world as a nasty and bitter place most of the time. And I still struggle to find anything that I consider to be really worth doing or that I’m actually interested in. But it doesn’t get me down any more.

If it’s all the same, what’s the point in getting down about it?

I can sit here and think about how meaningless everything is, and just be a sad asshole.

Or I can sit here and think about how meaningless everything, and then get up and go do whatever the fuck I want.

Same outcome in the end, except I can actually enjoy myself if I don’t dismiss everything as bullshit.

I also been reading the old mates again. Krishnamurti, Eckhart tolle, Allan watts, and those stoic dudes, I forget their names… something Greek.

They all speak about the same shit. Living in the moment. Not letting the past or future invade ya mind. Squashing the ego. Remembering that it’s not the situation itself, but your own thoughts about the situation that are fucking you over.

I have actually had some success practicing it. Just watching my thoughts. Noticing how often they randomly bounce from some random encounter with some asshole two days ago, to what might happen five years from now if I keep buying so many cans of coke from vending machines.

It’s fucking crazy.

Just this random feed of total bullshit that just keeps going and going.

I’ve been watching them, then I bring myself back into the moment. I’ll stick my hand out the car window and feel the wind, or notice my breath or something like that.

The more I do it, the easier it becomes to let go of it.

Then other days I wake up and freak out about having to eat breakfast but not wanting anything. But ya get that.

I started crochet-ing (is that the right word?)

I made a couple of beanies. It’s pretty cool, turning a ball of nothing into something I can wear on my head.

Maybe that’s my purpose in life….

To knit stuff….

I will try and write more on here if people are interested in reading still. I always get a little kick out of the attention I get from dribbling shit on here.

Thanks. Love yas

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