The other day i was on my way to work. part of my usual routine is to stop by maccas and get myself a coffee before i start.
The coffee there is pretty shit, but i don’t have to get out the car. I think that’s a fair trade off.
The drive through chick knows me now. We even make small talk. Well.. she makes small talk. I just smile and nod. Sometimes i throw in a few jumbled up sentences to try and be polite.
She actually asked me if i was gay once. Apparently her friend thought i was cute and wanted to know. I was both flattered and confused. Why the fuck would she think i was gay…
oh right… The bright yellow car…
i ordered my coffee and went to pull out onto the road. As i was looking right for traffic, i hear someone yelling. I didn’t think anything of it. I think growing up around Collonades has desensitized me to random crazy people yelling out random shit.
but then i hear knocking..
i look to my left. There is some strange kid peering in through my passenger side window. Long curly hair, aviator sunnies, and a big fat fucking cold sore on his bottom lip. He has a skateboard in his left hand.
hes saying something, but i cant understand him through the window. I assumed he wanted me to give him a lift somewhere. I look down at the floor of the passenger seat. its littered with old coffee cups and maccas bags and jumpers that i haven’t worn in about 6 months. My work bag is sitting on the chair on top of some old paperwork a few empty cans of red bull.
there’s no way i’m going to be able to squash him in here.
nek minnut, he starts bashing on the window again…
” I cant hear ya mate, my windows up…”
as if he hadn’t already noticed.
he bashes on my window again. He is still saying things.
So i wind my window down.
Now.. When there is an agitated guy bashing on your window in the middle of the drive-through, Winding your window ALL the way down probably isn’t the best idea. I’m sure just a crack would have sufficed. But the car has those stupid auto windows that just keep going when you take the finger off the button.
So down it went.
he immediately pokes his head inside the car, and proceeds to yell “NEXT TIME, FUCKING LOOK BOTH WAYS CUNT!”
You know that feeling you get when you get thrown into unexpected confrontation?
You get that little cold chill, and your butthole clenches super tight?
Crap… did i just nearly hit a guy? i was driving at like 2 ks though. That fence goes right up to the road. There’s no way i could….
“HEY?” he yells.
i guess he wants me to respond..
“Sorry mate… i didn’t see you there..”
what else was i meant to say?
ok, i deserved that.
He then took a step back and started doing that heavy breathing thing. You know where they blow their cheeks out with each exhale. psyching himself up i guess. I’ve seen guys do it before, right before they’ve punched me in the face…
This really sucks. i cant get into a fight with someone now. I’m half asleep, and i’m suppose to be at work, and i’m sitting in my car…. wait….how is this even going to work?
He pokes his head back in the window.
“Is this door unlocked?” He says in a less loud, but still wanting to kill me tone of voice.
I look over at the little door lock nobby thing.
Fuck. Its unlocked.
WHAT THE FUCK NATHAN. WHY DID YOU JUST TELL THE ANGRY COLD SORE GUY THAT HE HAS COMPLETE ACCESS TO YOUR CAR?
he just stood there for a moment. i think maybe even he was a little dumbfounded.
i quickly glance around the car to try and find some kind of weapon i could use to fight him off with. i pick up my vape. maybe i can bonk him on the head with it or something…
“maybe i should open this door then” he says.
Looking back on it now, i’m not entirely sure what his plan would have been. I mean, he would have had to lean in across the passenger seat to get to me. I’m sure it would have been super awkward. But at the time it was a scary thought.
“no don’t do that” i replied. I’m such a smooth talker.
“THEN KEEP DRIVING!” he screams.
i quickly check for traffic, and then put my foot down. the car i’m driving doesn’t let me accelerate quickly though. it shudders and doesn’t really move much. So my quick escape was more like a slow, bumpy roll out on to the main road.
as i’m driving off i can hear him yelling still…
“HEY!….HEIIIIIY!….COME ON CUNT!…..HEIIIII!”
….and they all lived happily ever after.
i think the moral of the story is that when a crazy guy with a big cold sore on his face starts bashing on your window….Just drive off.
why the fuck didn’t i just drive off?
i was in a car, with the engine running the whole time…..
I could have left at at any point…
I am an idiot