Today marks the end of a 9 day holiday that I decided to take because I wanted to.
My original plan was to shut myself in. To allow myself to go into detox mode without any distractions. i was going to get up early every day. I was going to study a whole heap. I was going to get over smoking for good.
i planned to use this time to make myself a stronger person.
of course things didn’t work out the way I planned it. I am me after all..
The first few days were spent freaking out about the upcoming house inspection. Mostly because last time they came round for a geez, there was dust on the ceiling fan. That apparently warrants a re inspection.
we cleaned the house spotless and passed. This left me with 5 days to follow through with my original plan.
i woke up late on tuesday morning.
thats ok. Minor hiccup. Time to go to gym.
i drove to gym, because I don’t want to be paying for a place to exercise and then exercising for free. How stupid.
i sat down on one of the benches and looked around.
there were dudes with arms the size of my torso, veins popping out of their fucking forehead with each rep. Girls caked in makeup all lined up on the treadmill watching tv.
i looked at myself in the mirror. My pants had some kind of food stain on them from the night before. I had the neck beard happening. My 1 dollar beanie from eBay just barley high enough on my forehead for me to be able to see.
i thought to myself “I don’t fucking belong here”
so, without even picking up a weight. I got up and left.
Ok. So no more gym for the week. I’ll just go home and do some study.
i rocked up home, opened up my laptop, and began watching one of the lectures for the course I am trying to do.
the kid speaking couldn’t have been any older than 20. And he was speaking in words that I didn’t even know existed.
what the fuck am I doing. This kids at least 6 years under me, and is teaching a fucking uni course. Who am I kidding. I can’t do this. I’m too far gone.
so I shut my laptop.
as long as I’m not smoking, it’s all good.
I decided to play a 1 round of my game. Just to take my mind off things.
one round turned into two. Two rounds turned into five. Five rounds turned into “fuck, it’s 3 in the morning… I should probably go to bed”
i woke up even later on Wednesday.
Fuck it. What good does waking up early do anyway.
not going to go to gym. Not even going to try and study.
What the fuck should I do then…
i think I’ll play just one round…
“fuck it’s 4 in the morning….”
woke up around lunch time on Thursday. I resented myself for wasting two whole fucking days playing video games.
im not doing that today.
I got on Facebook. Did the usual scroll for something interesting.
nothing but memes. Happy snaps. Insincere posts about how wonderful life is. Pictures of stuff people had bought. Captions about how proud they were for buying it.
spent the rest of the day watching pirated streams of some Netflix show until Courtney got home.
we went to a friends that night for drinks. I took my gaming console with me. Because without alcohol I’m useless at conversation.
it was fun.
woke up at lunch time on Friday. Told myself I’m not going to waste another fucking day.
opened up Facebook.
Same shit. Bullshit happy birthday from people who barely know eachother. Random crappy quotes from people I’ve never even fucking heard of.
why the fuck to i keep coming on here. It’s all just bullshit.
i started losing it.
i began posting random shit about corporations. Advertising. The things that bug me.
“what the fuck are you doing Nathan. No one cares what you have to say. You are just making yourself look like a wanker..”
so I decided I would delete my Facebook.
I don’t need it. It’s not like anyone gives a shit anyway. And I sure as fuck won’t be missing out on much. Let them talk about how much they fucking love life.
i then deleted all the games from my phone. They are just a waste of time anyway.
i deleted instagram.
I deleted WordPress.
i deleted everything.
i woke up on Saturday, and didn’t even want to get out of bed. Courtney was home though and wanted to hang out. After several attempts, she finally managed to get me out of bed.
we went food shopping and it was nice.
When we got home, i layed down on the couch. I don’t know what the fuck went through my head, but I pretty much went catatonic. Friends were calling me, I told them I was napping. Courtney tried all kinds of things to get me up, but I just didn’t want a bar of it.
i just didn’t want to be a part of the world.
i wanted to just lie there.
i wasn’t smoking, so it was ok.
by about six in the arvo I kind of snapped out of it.
we went to my dads. Dad and I played video games. It was fun…
thismorning I woke up around 8 as we had an engagement party to go to. I was in better spirits. Courtney was nervous because there were going to be some old friends there that she really missed but was worried they wouldn’t want to talk with her.
we went to the party and it was great. I was desk driver, so I only had a couple drinks. Courtney got fairly drunk and was having a great time with her old friends.
So I dropped them at the pub afterwards. And headed home.
Whilst I was at the party, I remembered that I have no social skill and can’t connect with people in real life. So I got back on Facebook.
On the way home…. I bought a packet of smokes.
i don’t even fucking know why. I just did.
when I got home, I played video games until Courtney called me to pick her up. I dropped her friends of home, put Courtney to bed, then made myself a milo, and sat down out the back with my packet of smokes to write this blog.
so there it is. My super fucking productive week. I have no drive. I have no desire. I just do stuff. I want to disconnect from the world, But I can’t. I don’t want to be a part of this bullshit game, but there isn’t really any other option. I love my fiancé, and don’t want to have to put her though bullshit like this. Sometimes I feel like I’m dragging her down. I wonder if I will ever be able to snap out of this.