I’m tired. Here’s a blog 

Hello all. Thought I would check in as I haven’t been back here in a while.

My most recent attempt at quitting smoking has been…patchy.

I went a couple weeks, got drunk and bought a pack, went a couple days, got stressed and bought a pack, went a couple more days, got bored and bought a pack, and so on.

It’s still an improvement over 20 a day I guess. But it’s starting to feel like this is just dragging on forever. It’s nearly fucking 2017! Where the hell did this year even go? What even happened this year?

Time definatly feels like it’s speeding up each year. I  think it’s because as you get older, there is less new and exiting shit for you to do, so there are less memories made. So really time isn’t speeding up at all, you are just filling up your years with less new experiences, and more fuck all.

Speaking of fuck all. I have been reading up on something called memory anchors, to try and add more tools to my quitting tool kit. 

So certain external events can have a feeling or a memory attached to them. Like when you listen to a song that reminds you of your childhood. Or how public showers remind me of how I once accidentally pooped in the shower on a school camp and had to reluctantly stamp it down the drain hole.

Those associations can trigger powerful emotions. Apparently it’s possible to take advantage of that.

So every time I’m feeling good, and confident about not smoking, I have been digging the nail of my right thumb into the knuckle of my middle finger. I’m hoping that eventually I’ll be able to perform that small action, and it will evoke those feeling that I have been trying to attach to it.

So far it hasn’t fucking worked. But I’m going to keep trying it because some guy wrote a book on it, so surely there’s something to it.

I’m also still trying to learn to code computers. I’m mostly doing this because I know that orderlies aren’t going to be around forever. I mean, they have fucking robots doing surgery now. It’s only a matter of time before someone invents a machine that will stick a fucking diathermy pad on a patients leg..

But I am getting extremely frustrated with it. I have too much self doubt and I’m fantastic at talkin myself out of doing stuff. It’s not coming easily enough to me. When things don’t come easy to me I assume they will never come to me. Is it worth me spending all this time and effort on something I will probably never even get. Now that I think about it, I don’t even really know what fucking jobs are available to someone who knows how to code. Am I wasting my time? Maybe I should just accept my fate.

On the bright side, I’ve been sticking at the gym. If I can’t do anything else, at least I can be buff… Eventually.

Why is everything such a god damn effort

One thought on “I’m tired. Here’s a blog 

  1. Wow. The memory anchor thing you talked about seems really cool. And learning to code computers is so worth it, I think there’s a huge payoff. I started with websites like code.org and scratch, and then eventually moved up to actual languages. Code.org and Scratch make it really easy to learn the basic concepts without having to worry about the technicalities of a language. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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