Very bad day

So it’s day five of not smoking, and I’m not feeling too great. Days one to four weren’t bad. I put my patch on. Went about my day. I Wanted to smoke but didn’t. It made me feel crappy, but it was nothing I hadn’t experienced before. Just the same old shit

But today was different. It has all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up feeling ok. I peeled my patch off and got in the shower. When I got out, I couldn’t find my fresh patches, and something just twigged in my head.

When I’m not smoking, the things that bother me just stick around in my head longer. I get agitated, and when I’m agitated, I am able to find more things to get mad about. It’s a kind of snowball effect. It just gets bigger and bigger until I start flipping out.

So I started being an asshole and messeged Courtney at work a bunch of asshole things. I paced up and down the house working myself up even more about the dishes and the mess and the fact that I have wasted one of my days off. All bullshit.

I eventually found the patches. But now that I am in this mood it is so hard for me to get out of it.

I fucking hate it.

Sometimes I question why I’m even doing this. So I can have more money? So I can live to be an old man?  Is it worth me treating the people I care about like shit?

Everyone is quick to tell me that I’m doing the right thing until they are on the receiving end of one of my outbursts. Then I become a cunt. my quit attempt actually effects them. They become involved. Nobody actually wants to be involved. 

Really, when I think about it. Nobody really gives a shit at all. Rarely do I hear from anybody at all the. Nobody really wants to fucking hang out or be a part of my life or talk or anything. Except for Courtney. And so she cops the brunt of it all. It’s not fucking fair. She doesn’t deserve it. 

Today, I feel like I’m losing it. I don’t want to continue not smoking. But I am going to. Because I started this, and I need to fuckig follow through on something for once in my life.

9 thoughts on “Very bad day

  1. Isn’t it the best reason to quit something that controls your mood (your life)? Nothing excuses a behaviour like that and you definitely should try to control your anger… But if you keep up with this project , you will see how your bad mood outbursts will disappear. Your are fighting to be FREE. I´m with you!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t know you, but really want to encourage you to keep going!!! The long term positives of not smoking will DEFINITELY out way the (relatively) short term negatives you are experiencing now. Please hang in there. Spoken by one who has been a reformed-smoker now for over 10 years.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I only see you at work but i think your a great person, i havent had to quit ciggies, but ive had to quit other things back when i was younger and the outbursts will become less and less, and soon you will feel more free, it might take up to a month for your body and mind to adjust youve come this far i hope you get there

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow. to be honest, I was considering stopping the whole blog thing again as I just felt I was going round in circles with it all and my shitty state of mind was shining through slightly too much. So I’ve just been avoiding coming back here. But… This makes me reconsider. Thank you 🙂 I’ll have to get on tomorrow and have a look at it properly, as its way past my bed time. But thanks again.

      Liked by 2 people

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