So it’s day five of not smoking, and I’m not feeling too great. Days one to four weren’t bad. I put my patch on. Went about my day. I Wanted to smoke but didn’t. It made me feel crappy, but it was nothing I hadn’t experienced before. Just the same old shit
But today was different. It has all just hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up feeling ok. I peeled my patch off and got in the shower. When I got out, I couldn’t find my fresh patches, and something just twigged in my head.
When I’m not smoking, the things that bother me just stick around in my head longer. I get agitated, and when I’m agitated, I am able to find more things to get mad about. It’s a kind of snowball effect. It just gets bigger and bigger until I start flipping out.
So I started being an asshole and messeged Courtney at work a bunch of asshole things. I paced up and down the house working myself up even more about the dishes and the mess and the fact that I have wasted one of my days off. All bullshit.
I eventually found the patches. But now that I am in this mood it is so hard for me to get out of it.
I fucking hate it.
Sometimes I question why I’m even doing this. So I can have more money? So I can live to be an old man? Is it worth me treating the people I care about like shit?
Everyone is quick to tell me that I’m doing the right thing until they are on the receiving end of one of my outbursts. Then I become a cunt. my quit attempt actually effects them. They become involved. Nobody actually wants to be involved.
Really, when I think about it. Nobody really gives a shit at all. Rarely do I hear from anybody at all the. Nobody really wants to fucking hang out or be a part of my life or talk or anything. Except for Courtney. And so she cops the brunt of it all. It’s not fucking fair. She doesn’t deserve it.
Today, I feel like I’m losing it. I don’t want to continue not smoking. But I am going to. Because I started this, and I need to fuckig follow through on something for once in my life.