Two blogs in as many nights. I think I’m getting a bit carried away here. My brain is telling me to do it though, so ima do it.
Actually my brain has been ridiculously active lately. Thoughts have been flying around like crazy. I’ve also been more impulsive than ever. I went for a a ride on my shitty little skateboard thing I bought from cashies. It wasn’t up to par so I thought “I’m going to go buy one of them dope longboards” so I went back to cashies, and came home with a fucking drum kit..
It also means that my sleeping habits are back at their crappiest.
My sleeping pattern has been fucked for as long as I can remember though. Mum thinks it is to do with the reflux I had as a kid. Apparently I would just vomit all the time. Never slept. Just cried all night. I don’t remember this, but I dun got surgery for it. I guess the habit just stuck.
I don’t remember much about being a kid. But I do remember never being able to sleep well. If I was at mums, I would wait until she was asleep and then crawl in to bed with her. I did this until way past the age where it would be considered weird doing that. If I was at dads I would knock on his door and wait until he came out. He would tell me to think of a stop sign and whenever I started thinking about something else, to go back to that stop sign. I still do that now..
Mum bought me dream catchers to hang over my bed, and these little knitted men to put under my pillow. They must have been like, dream fighters or something, I don’t really remember. I got a lava lamp that I would just watch forever.
Still I never slept.
When I got a bit older mum let me have a T.V in my room. It was rad because it meant I could watch big brother uncut and do things that boys who just hit puberty do without being disturbed (this was before I discovered that I knew more about the Internet than mum did, so hiding my tracks became easy)
After that I would turn the volume almost all the way down. Leave it up just enough to hear the soothing sounds of Sandra sulley reading the late news. Sports tonight was when I started to get mad that I wasn’t sleeping. Then it was big brother up late. A show that literally just cameras showing people sleeping. Way to rub it in my face assholes.
Or it was hotdogs game show. I still don’t understand why that was a thing.
Still, I spent hours watching it. I had to have the tv on because I was scared of the dark. Still kinda am if I’m being honest.
I remember the teacher at school once telling mum that I needed to go to the doctor because I kept almost asleep in class. This was in high school. I’m not sure if it’s the same story or another, but somehow going to the doctor turned into me getting a brain scan, witch turned into a rumour going around school that I had a fucking brain tumor. So when I returned, people were hugging me and crying and stuff. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I thought I just had sleep problems and a bit of a headache.
I decided to take matters into my own hands when I got a bit older. So I bought myself one of them weed vapourisers. I didn’t try and hide it from mum as I had all kinds of weird shit in my room anyway, so I assumed she wouldn’t think anything of it. That worked well. After about an hour of deep thought about life and music and everything else, I would be out cold. But from watching friends become hooked on the stuff I decided that wasn’t what I wanted to do.
From there i tried natural sleeping pills, they were shit. Prescribed sleeping pills, they worked but I still felt like a zombie when I woke up. Weird flower juice. Tea before bed. No tea before bed. Deep breathing. Wearing myself out to the point of being dead. It all just sucked.
I have just never been able to shut of the constant steam of bullshit that goes through my head as soon as it hits the pillow.
I just wanted to put that out there so ya can understand why I always look like the living dead up until the sun goes down.