It’s not all bad

Hello friends. Did ya miss me?

I figured it was time for me to write another update. Let my people know what’s been going on.

The doctor called me back a couple weeks ago. They said that they are able to get me in to see a psychologist some time in October, and asked if I would like to book a date. I told them I would have to check my roster and get back to them.

I still haven’t called them back.

This doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, I am really eager to get in and speak to someone. So why haven’t I done anything to make it happen? 

Am I just procrastinating? Trying to avoid it like I do with all the other unpleasant shit that pops up?

Or is it more like this chuck palahniuk quote that I googled at some point in my life when I was trying to find awesome, deep quotes to post on my Facebook for reasons I don’t really remember..

“People don’t want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown.”

Or maybe it’s just a case of lazy Scattini not bothering to check his roster because he’s lazy.

It doesn’t matter. I know I have to do it. So I’ve written it down on my to-do list.

My to-do list isn’t just an imaginary list that I talk about when I have something that needs doing. This is my new thing. I have an actual list hanging on the pantry door. Two lists actually. One is my immediate to-do list, and the other is my eventually will-do list. 

I needed a way to get all the shit that was making me anxious down on paper. Courtney has taught me that when things are organised in list for, everything becomes way easier. 

And she is right. I’ve nearly crossed off everything on my immediate list. Most of the stuff on it was just the mundane every day crap that I could have done in two seconds anyway. But the fact is I wasn’t doing it, but now I am.

Nathan/Courtney -1 point.

The seven day roster is also really starting to help out the financial side of things. Yes, it does suck big penis that I have to work weekends. But we are finally starting to get ahead slightly. I paid my phone bill a month in advance. Renewed my licence. A misreading of the rego papers also meant that I accidentally paid my rego off till next year.

So now I’m broke again,  that’s old news. But I’m not broke because I don’t have any money. I’m broke because I paid my shit. That’s pretty awesome. I’m going to miss the monthly catch up calls from my robotic friend at Optus. She was always so nice. 

Answers phone

“Hello..mr Sca-tany…” 

Hangs up phone

We even got car and health insurance. As Courtney put it “we are like full blown adults now”

It felt great seeing her get so exited about something as weird as that. I wish I could get exited with her, but I’m working on it. 

We had a party for Courtney’s 25th on the weekend. I don’t normally get as exited about social gatherings as I use to. When we were younger, binge drinking was our thing. There were also drugs here and there. Wandering the streets. Getting beat up. It was all extremely irresponsible, but it was also extremely fun. Some of my fondest memory’s involve me wandering back to my friends completely in another world with a big split down my forehead where somebody had head butted me or something similar.

Now days when we have a big gathering, we mostly just have a few quiet drinks, chat and everyone bails before midnight.

I mean, there isn’t anything wrong with it. I enjoy it. Everyone has grown up now and has responsibility. We can’t be doing that stuff anymore. But it just seems to remind me of how getting older can suck some of the spirit out of things. I like to feel alive. To get a bit wild every now and then. Just to remind myself that it’s not all routine and obligation.

Anyway, I was half expecting it to be another quite gathering, and I was cool with that. But it wasn’t. A lot of people bailed early, but a few stuck around, and we got fucked up and played beer pong. Courtney turned the kitchen into a dance floor and everyone was dancing. I had multiple in depth conversations about shit that my social anxiety normally forces me to not talk about by telling me not to make a dick of myself. I crashed out at 5:30 and Courtney came into the room at like 8 asking me if it is normal for Steve to have his dick out.

From what I remember, yea.. That sounds pretty normal.

It felt really good. Really, really good. I have missed it.

So overall. Things are going pretty ok. I’m still smoking, that’s on my eventually will-do list. I’m not sleeping much at all. But there are little signs that things are getting better. I’m choosing to focus on them right now. 

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