It’s been either two or three weeks since I started on my anti depressants. For the first week or so I just felt crook as a dog. I wanted to vomit all the time and felt completely drained. Now the side effects have worn off, and I just feel like myself again. When I say I feel like myself, I mean I feel like the person I was before taking the medication. I’m not really sure what effect these pills are suppose to have. But so far there hasn’t really been anything positive that I can write about.
i tried googling them as I was going out on Saturday night and wasn’t sure if alcohol would react badly with the medication. Some sites said it was fine and that the two do not react at all. Other sites said it could kill me..
I decided to gauge for myself. So I took it slow and drank beer and water alternately. I mostly just felt dehydrated the whole night. Towards the end Courtney’s work mates were buying me shots, and I’m not one to turn down a free shot, so that happened, and I’m not dead. So… The night was a success I guess.
Since I told everyone that I had depression, the amount of people who have told me they are in the same boat has actually been kind of shocking. Well over half the people I know have said they themselves, or someone they are close to, are taking anti depressants.
it is comforting to know that I’m not the only person who feels like this, and that if I ever need to talk, I have plenty of options. But this also bothered me.
there has to be more to it than a simple chemical imbalance, if so many people are in the same boat. If we are all just medicating ourselves in order to feel better, to fit in with the rest of the world, that isn’t really achieving anything is it?
i believe it is just a side effect of an inescapable, mundane existence. We all just follow eachother around, taking happy snaps and posting them online. Pretending that everything is awesome and that life is beautiful. When in reality, most of us are just fucking scared and confused and have no idea what the fuck we are doing. We just do shit because that’s what everyone else is doing. We think everyone else has it figured out so we try do the same. Things get repetitive. You do what you have to do to get by, and end up stuck in an endless loop of work, home, sleep, repeate. Sedating myself with food or Tv or substances that will just let me escape the routine.
Then you have advertisers who take advantage of these feelings. They know how to manipulate a person into thinking that their product will make them feel better. That shit is plastered everywhere. And it makes things worse. people look at these feelings of emptiness and lack of purpose, and attribute it to the fact that they don’t have awesome shit, or they haven’t traveled to awesome places, or their status isn’t where it should be. Evil.
i believe that there is something profoundly wrong with the way we are living. I have no idea how to change that, or if it is even possible to change that. Medication might make me feel better, but I don’t want to need medication to simply feel ok about being alive.
Honestly, I can’t wait for the psychologist to get in contact with me. I really want to talk about all of this stuff with someone who might be able to help me figure out my own thoughts. Till then, I’m off to work.