I am currently sitting on the toilet. I made the mistake of not checking to see if there was any toilet paper before doing my business. So I figure now is a good time to vent some of my frustrations.
the not smoking thing isn’t going so great. I have been pinching one here and there to try and take the edge off, trying to prevent myself from going of at the everyday dickheads that one encounters. I use the “just one more” line to try and justify it. Classic Scattini.
i got road raged on the way in to work the other day. I was doing the speed limit when some lady drove up my ass and started honking at me. Smoking Nathan would have just shrugged it off “She must be having a bad day, I’ll move over.”
Non smoking Nathan thought to himself “fuck you lady” and raised his middle finger like a total bad ass and kept doing what he was doing, whilst looking in the mirror to see what her reaction was.
thats the type of behaviour that drives me back to smoking. I don’t like doing that sort of thing (although I’ll admit it did feel good at the time, seeing her start yelling through her closed windows as if I could hear her was pretty funny)
Anyway, I thought I’d try something different. At this stage I’m up for anything. I have always had an interest in philosophy and non religious spiritual mumbo jumbo. I enjoy reading blokes like krishnamurti, Allan watts, Eckhart tolle, and other weirdos with the same sort of views. I like the way they claim to have some sort of answer to the bullshit that people put themselves through. I think in the back of my mind I know they are probably just as full of shit as everyone else. But at least they tried to figure it out.
One thing they all have in common, is the claim that our thoughts are the biggest cause of human suffering. One way of supposedly dealing with that is through meditation. So I thought I’d give it a crack. heres how that went.
” Ok…don’t think….don’t think…. I should be going to gym….shut up, don’t think…man I don’t Wana go to work…shhh, don’t think…don’t think…I’m not very comfortable…my nose is itchy… Don’t think…try the ommmm thing that monks do in movies… Ommmm….ommmmm… Yes, I’m not thinking..no now I’m thinking about being sucsesful at not thinking… Just don’t think… Don’t think the words “don’t think” just don’t think… ”
After about five minutes of that, I gave up.
I will try again though. Surely there has to be something to it if dudes devote their entire lives to it. Maybe I need to shave my head bald and buy and orange robe or something..
gym hasn’t been too sucsesful so far either. I went twice, and then woke up feeling like someone he used my titties as a punching bag. Courtney may have actually done this while I slept as punishment for sneaking smokes, I don’t know. But I had to take a couple of days off from it because I couldn’t even lift my arms.
I have a diet app now, that I enter the food that I eat Into and it tells me how much more I have to eat if I want to gain weight. I haven’t yet reached my target, because it re adjusts with the amount of steps I do. So I eat a crap ton of food, thinking I will easily make it, then look at the app and see that I’m averaging about 20,000 steps on a work day and that I have to eat a whole other meal or two to reach the target. I’m eating 5 meals a day, how the fuck am I meant to eat more.
things are so much easier when I just play video games all day.