I am slightly impressed with myself. Yes, I have slipped up here and there. But to go from twenty or more each day down to one a week is a big change. I feel like I’m starting to come out the other side. I’m not waking up in the morning ready to headbutt walls anymore, and that is a very positive thing.
I have had one smoke in the last week. I got quite drunk on a night at the casino with the in laws. I told them I was going to the toilet and snuck off to the smokers garden in search of the most non threatening person I could find (I assume this is the reason people always seem to ask me for smokes in crowds). I ended up pinching one from a small Indian man who was smiling at me before I even spoke with him. I don’t know what that was about, but whatever. Every time I have one now, it’s an instant feeling of regret. Also this time, because it had been so long, I had some crazy head spins happening. On the way home I ended up making Courtney’s parents pull over on the side of an expressway so that I could vomit, because that is exactly the type of impression I want to be leaving on the parents of my future wife *sigh*
Alcohol is by far my biggest trigger.
I started to develop some new habits in the last week. One of them was being late for work. The mixture of poor sleep and the stress from the withdrawal symptoms creates a “fuck getting out of bed” cocktail. For a couple of days I just kept snoozing my alarm unill the sense of urgency from possibly losing my job for being consistently late would kick me up the bum.
This was not the attitude that I wanted to have. So I began to force myself to get up at the same time as I would have when I was smoking. This was another strange idea of mine that I didn’t really think through.
When I was smoking, I would allow myself an hour to get to work. This gave me time to get a coffee along the way. I would then sit in the car park and chain about five smokes with my coffee before starting work. So when the sleep deprived, non smoking me rocked up for work an hour early, i quickly realised I had no way to kill the time. I was just sitting there thinking about how tired I was and how much better I would feel if I had a smoke. I decided I would take a nap. I set an alarm on my phone and tried to get comfy.
There I was. Face smushed up against the glass as all the fresh faced doctors and nurses waltz past on their way to save lives.
Nathan the orderly, asleep in his stinky rubbish filled car. Almost certainly going to be late for work again. Even though he’s actually already at work..
But still not smoking 🙂
my goals from here are to start re adjusting my behaviours to better suit my non smoking lifestyle. I think the worst of the cravings might be over now. So all I have to do is forget about the last ten years of routine and ritual and I should be sweet. This is the longest I have stuck at a quitting attempt.