I am back. I didn’t write anything over the weekend because I was super busy. I caught up with friends on Friday, and I slipped up and had a draw of one of their smokes. Saturday I got to look after the nephew and then had drinks with my sister and her partner. Today I spent the whole day cleaning the house for an inspection.
To be honest, I had a break from writing this because I was getting tired of talking about it. I thought I would have more of a sense of accomplishment by now. I thought I would be immensely proud of myself. My hope was that by writing this, I would have a record of how well I was doing that I could look at to keep me motivated and super keen on reaching my goals, like those insane trainers on the biggest loser.
That hasn’t really happened yet. I mean I am happy that I have quit, but I just spend most of my time wishing I could just have a smoke. Then feeling guilty when I slip up. This isn’t the rewarding experience people make it out to be. It’s mostly just shitty, with moments of “I have extra money…that’s pretty cool..”
It’s kind of like I have lost my place of belonging. Like part of my identity was attached to being a smoker. All of the things that went with it were a part of who I was. I don’t know what to fucking do with myself now.
I get frustrated with non smokers now. Some of them just don’t get it. Some of them compare addiction to weakness. Others just like to remind me that I was stupid to take it up in the first place. Then there is always the story of that person they know who smoked for 30 years and quit cold turkey without even trying, so it can’t possibly be as hard as I’m making it out to be…
i apreciate the fact that they are just trying to be helpful. I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but implying that I’m being weak, or that you would be able to do it easily, doesn’t help at all.
Having said that. This weekend was a bit of a milestone. I had drinks and didn’t smoke. I can’t say I remember a time when I have done that. Im also not sucking on as many of the lozenges. So whilst I may be sitting here at two in the morning thinking about smokes, I do still think I’m slowly crawling my way out of this stinky situation.
some people tell me it gets easier, that eventually I won’t even think about cigarettes. Others tell me they haven’t smoked for 10 years, yet still want one every day. I really hope the former ends up being true for me. Otherwise shits fucked and I may as well just accept my fate.