Day 5

I woke up the the faint sound of Courtney’s voice.

“Nathan…. Nathaaaaan….”

i slept relatively well. It took me a while to crash but once I did, I don’t remember waking up at all.

“Nathan… What time do you start work?”

“not until 6:45 babe. I set my alarm, is all good”  I replied

i was so warm in bed and I felt pretty good. Today was going to be a good day!

“Nathan… It’s 6:40….”

…nope. I was wrong. Today sucked.

you know that feeling you get when you know you fucked up, but you haven’t fully internalised it yet?

Your stomach sinks and your butthole tightens as you just feel the dread wash over you.

I jumped out of bed. Cursing myself as I fumble to put my pants on.

“for fuck sake…why the fuck didn’t my alarm go off… This is bullshit…I’m going to be so late…”

i could hear courtney speaking from the bedroom.

“Nathan it’s ok! Just give them a call, I’m sure it will be fine!”

it was the end of the world for me though.

Although according to my mind, this would have been about the third or fourth time the world had ended this week..

i just had to find my four, then I’m out the door!

phone, wallet, keys and smo…..


Find my three…and…leave

fuck this..

i gave courtney a kiss goodbye and headed off.

I didn’t need this. I was doing so well. But now all I could think about was having a smoke. I know now that this is a trick I play on myself. Smoking never relaxed me.  whenever a stressful situation would arise, I would divert my attention to the fact that I wanted a smoke. the smoke would relieve me of my cravings, making me feel relaxed. But it was an illusion. Those cravings wouldn’t even fucking exist if I didn’t smoke. It was in fact extra stress caused by my addiction. So I relieve stress that doesn’t need to fucking be there in the first place, give myself the illusion of being relaxed, and avoid dealing with whatever the issue is for two minutes. It’s retarded.

either way, I was feeling very tense at that moment. I called work and let them know I was going to be late. I then decided I needed something else to take things down a notch.

i drove to the drive through to get a coffe. I checked before driving in that there weren’t too many cars.

only one. That’s fine.

i ordered my coffee and was waiting, when there was a blackout. It wasn’t a huge blackout. But it was enough to knock out the cash registers until further notice. The lady in front of me wasn’t going anywhere because she wanted her food. I couldn’t reverse because there was a car behind me. I was stuck.

i was meant to be at work 5 minutes ago.

I watched the lady in the car in front smiling and laughing with the girl at the window.

“NO! THIS ISNT A TIME FOR LAUGHING!” I though to myself.

i was seething.

i needed to relax. I took a few deep breaths, and began the self talk.

“it’s ok. It’s not their fault. It’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes shit just happens. Just calm down. You are already late. Nothing is going to change that. Be patient. Be like that chick in front of you. She obviously has a good outlook on life. Smiling and enjoying her morning. Just do that”

the car behind me toots their horn…

“FUCK THAT GUY. Who the fuck does he think he is. Why would he toot his horn. What does he think that will achieve. Besides showing how much of an arrogant, selfish, entitled, fuckwit of a person he is. Does he think that by making noise, the eftpos machines will magically begin working again. Or was he just trying to get the kids working inside to come out and kiss his feet, whilst re assuring him that he is a god and that they are ashamed that they have wasted valuable time. Time that he could have spent stroking his own penis. If I had bigger balls I would get out the car right now and let him know that he is absolutely the worst person that has  ever exist in the entire history of the planet, and I hope he gets a weeks worth of explosive diarrhoea  from the food he just ordered.”

It was at this point I realised how schizophrenic I was being. I forced myself to take some more breathes. To remember what I was thinking earlier.

“be like the happy girl. Everyone likes the happy girl. The happy girl enjoyes life”

i meditated on that until my coffee came. I calmed down significantly.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Work was ok with me being a bit late. I worked. I came home. I relaxed.

Best of all I didn’t smoke.

i didn’t have any more temper fits, and apart from the morning from hell, I ended up having a good day.

if I choose ignore the crazy rant above, and I do, then it feels like I’m making some real progress 🙂

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