Day 4

I started grumpy as hell due to a lack of sleep combined with an early start. Once I had my coffee though , I began to feel better. I can now drink coffee without wanting to throw it at someone. small win.

The work day was tedious but not too bad. I still think about smoking most of the time. Especially on my breaks. Also when I get stressed, or bored…. Pretty much just all day.

I’ve been sucking on some nicotine lozenges. They are actually really great. I’m not a huge fan of the poison toothpaste flavour they come in though. I wish they would make some that would compliment my other habbits better. Mint and beer doesn’t really work.

It was when I got home that I began to struggle. I do this thing, where i just sit around and get lost inside my own thoughts. It can go on for as long as I let it.

I thought about how much I missed being a smoker. My down time just wasn’t the same now. Smoking gave me small moments of enjoyment throughout mostly uninteresting and  uneventful days. For years it was just this safety blanket for me. A source of comfort.

I then started to think of all the other tools I use to escape from reality.

I realised I have been a sucker. All these different little addictions, ways of escaping. Regular patterns of behaviour that I would probably struggle to change as much as I am struggling to quit smoking. Gazing at my phone every few minutes, without any real intention other than to just look at my phone. Almost exclusively drinking sugar filled drinks and eating junk food daily. Hours of video games, movies, TV series. Never really leaving the comfort of my addictions, because it is too hard, and what the fuck else is there to do?

i just repeat. Day after day.

i am owned.  I have convinced myself that I need this shit. I have been sold this way of doing things. I work so that I can pay other people to create shit to keep me pacified. I don’t know how I ended up like this, because it is not the person I wanted to be.

its all just one distraction after the next. Smoking was just my favourite.

i have more incentive to quite now. Because this is just the tip of the iceberg. I don’t want to be a slave to my own behaviours anymore. I don’t want to be controlled by products or substances.

once I can comfortably call myself a non smoker, without cringing, I will move on to the next one.

I just need to find a way to make that a realistic goal outside of my own head….

After about an hour of that shit circling around, I finally snapped out of it and played video games until Courtney got home, because fuck what I think.

We had dinner and hot milos. courtney went to bed ages ago and I’m lying here, preparing myself for another shitty sleep.

i didn’t smoke all day. It might be making me a little crazy, but I’m doing it.


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