I apologise for skipping a day. I was in no state to be writing anything yesterday. It was groovin the moo.
I planned to avoid smokes for as long as possible, but didn’t have much hope for myself. I mean it’s an outdoor music festival. You can’t go anywhere without getting a face full of some kind of smoke. People would be passing cigarettes and joints around right under my nose. So I went in with low expectations of myself. If I had told myself I wouldn’t smoke at all, I would have spent the whole day basically crying. It might have been a good test of my willpower, but I didn’t spend all that money on tickets just to test myself.
i wasn’t completely unprepared though. I had my disgusting nicotine inhaler and I also packed one of those flavour vaporisers. I know people think that they are kinda douchey, but it gives me something to do when I have a major craving. I can replicate my old habits with it and it tends to relieve some stress. It’s definitely not the same as smoking, but it helps.
All things considered, I did surprisingly well. Normally all it would take is that first sip of alcohol to get me craving again. But I didn’t give in. I held out for as long as possible. Right up until I started to lose count of how many drinks I had consumed. By that time any kind of self restraint and will power had gone out the window. Even still, I think I only pinched two or three.
i failed again, that’s twice in one weekend. Seems like I suck at this quitting thing. But I am very proud of myself for yesterday’s efforts. That would have been a two pack event for me on a normal day. I am genuinely surprised I held out as long as I did.
Today was a hangover day. I planned nothing and did nothing, besides lunch with Courtney. I didn’t smoke but that’s mostly because I was asleep for the majority of the day. I was still craving, but they are becoming slightly less intense. I can distract myself from it now.
I am back at work tomorrow for an early start. I hate early starts. I also know I am going to have trouble sleeping tonight because I slept most of the day and because of the withdrawals that I keep hanging onto by giving in. I had a quick search through the medicine cabinet for some kind of sleeping pill or pain killer or something that would just knock me out u till tomorrow. All I found was an over the counter, all natural, flower based stress relief liquid. I feel like the words “all natural” on a medication is just another way of saying “probably doesn’t work”. I read the instructions.
“two drops directly onto the tongue”
*squirts half bottle into mouth*
i know you should always follow the instructions, but I really need to sleep, and its fucking flower juice…
tomorrow is another day. Another chance for me to do better than yesterday.