Relapse

I would like to apologise in advance, as i am about 12 beers deep right now so my writing may not be up to scratch. I started this thing, so i want to try and follow through with it as best i can.

Last night i bought a packet of cigarettes. I smoked about 15 in a 4 hour period.

Courtney and myself had a big fihgt. It was one of those make or break fights. in my head, i felt like i could not deal with the situation whilst struggling with my cravings. I am not proud of the fact i bought a pack, but i had to prioritise. my relationship was more important to me than this.

Neither Courtney nor myself have ever desired to be rich, but as we are both considered low income earners, not having enough money has always been a strain on our relationship. Instead of trying to improve our position in the world and bettering our situation, we have been focused on chasing the big things that we desire. I personally believe this is partially due to our social media governed world. It is so easy to just jump online and see how well everyone else is doing. It creates a kind of pressure to try and keep up. its like having a high school reunion every day of the fucking week.

“ah fuck, look at the car this bloke just got….”
(glances at broken down commie in the driveway)
“lets get a loan for a new car!”

Nobody sees the struggle and the stress that is involved with getting to those awesome positions people are in, because that stuff isn’t pretty. Facebook feeds are just filled with payoff after payoff. The behind the scenes stuff gets left behind the scenes.It creates this big fake fucking world where people are simply competing for who has the better life (Que status anxiety and fear of not “living life to the fullest”)

We have decided to re evaluate our priorities.

In Courtneys words “we need to start living like we are 21 again, still trying to find our place in the world. once we have done that, then we can focus on the other stuff.”

I am going to go back to studying. I am not entirely sure what yet, any suggestions would be awesome.

Anyway, i have gone off topic lots. i just felt like that needed to be shared.

i smoked 15 last night, and when i woke up there were still five left. i decided that today was going to have to be a write off. so i spread the rest out over the day. i then went out on the piss and bludged a few from friends. On the way home i asked my friend to roll me one more, as it would be my last one. he told me “only if you write about it in your blog”
so here is his obligatory mention.

It makes me sad that i cannot handle my own life without smokes. i am really trying though. I plan on making tomorrow a fresh start. i sincerely hope that you all will still have me. your support has been incredible. I feel like this is exactly what i need to give up for good. last night was a complete fuck up. I am ashamed that i turned to the smokes instead of just keeping my cool and dealing with shit in an adult way. But i am going to keep at it. I hope you haven’t lost faith in me, and will continue to read and leave me your advice, because i really do appreciate it.

This has been a sucky post to write because i have been so proud of myself lately.

Day one starts again tomorrow (fuck sake)

2 thoughts on “Relapse

  1. Nathan you are one of the most talented people I have ever met, you can do this man!!!!! It’s not as easy as clicking your fingers and hey presto you’ve quit…. Not only that your sharing your journey with everyone which leaves room for others to criticise, as long as you try man that’s all that matters and fuck what anyone else has to say to!!!! You’ll do this man, I hope it happens for you shortly!!!!!

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  2. I have faith in you Nathan. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This is a struggle that makes all of us doubt ourselves but so long as you keep ‘stopping’ smoking, you’ll succeed. Have faith in yourself also.

    Like

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