Day 4

When I got home from work last night Courtney knew I was in a fowl mood. I know this because she let me sleep on her side of the bed. The slats on my side have broken, so the mattress collapses in different spots. When I go to bed, my body feels like the number 3 if it were to lie horizontally. It’s not pleasant. It’s like I’m unwillingly doing sleep yoga for 6 hours a night. She copped that for me, but it was pointless because I didn’t sleep anyway.
I got on Google. Apparently it’s normal not to sleep when quitting. Something about how the constant stimulation of smoking and then the depressing effects of it wearing off for the last ten years have royally fucked my sleeping pattern. Now that there is none of that, I have an endless amount of energy when it comes time to go to bed.

Come morning, i didn’t feel too bad because it was pay day. I checked my account… It was short by about 500 bucks.
Normally I’m pretty good when it comes to handling stressors. People can feed me shit and I will eat it and call it chocolate ice cream. But right now I have lost that ability completely. The neighbours would have heard me swearing at my phone screen, whilst they were outside enjoying their downtime.
I called the TL, and even though it wasn’t his fault, I had a couple of words with him. Then left for work.

This was the last thing I needed. It fucks my whole week up. I know that it was probably just a simple mistake, and could be fixed by discussing it with the people who can fix it. But I was irate. I wanted to yell, and cause a scene, and be an asshole to everyone.

I started questioning if this is even worth it. Why am I making myself so miserable. If it’s not lung cancer that gets me, I’m sure it will be heart disease, or diabetes or something. My lifestyle choices are shit, and right now nothing is enjoyable, and everything is the end of the world. Maybe I should just give up.

I didn’t. I had one of my mints and kept going.

When I got to work I spoke to the boss man, and he helped me to sort out my pay issues. It took about two hours of fucking around but he got it done. It made me feel a little better, but my mood for the day was set.

It’s Friday night and I want to go out and catch up with friends and cut loose. But most the people I would be likely to hang out with are smokers.

Booze + smoking friends + depressed Nathan = fail.

Courtney’s out for the night. So I’m going to go home and just zone out again.

Maybe I’ll just put some of that good o’l Aussie anti smoking propaganda on a loop and let that play whilst I attempt to sleep.

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