You know that feeling you get when you are hungry? You can’t really ignore it, and you know it’s not going to go away until you eat something.
Thats how I felt when I woke up this morning, except I was wanting a cigarette instead of food…
I mean I was also hungry…
I’m trying to make an analogy about how I was hungry for a cigarette…
i was hungry for food and cigarettes.
I have read somewhere that the best thing to do is to avoid situations that make you want to smoke. That is ridiculous. Maybe even impossible.
It seems like every single thing I do thoughout the day has a que attached to it. Waking up, eating, driving, sex, coffee, alcohol, stress, relaxation, boredom, excitement. All of it makes me want to smoke. I would even have a celebratory smoke after a successful poop. It’s too ingrained into my daily routine for that idea to work.
I decided to do the opposite. Im going to expose myself to as many ques as possible in a day. My hope is that the quicker I can remove the association between certain activities and smoking, the easier things will get.
So I bought a coffee on the way to work.
It fucking sucked. It made me frustrated and sad. Like one of the three amigos was missing. Who the fuck are the two amigos. That’s not even a thing.
I did get some of those nicotine lozenges for when things got really intense. I only bought the low strength ones. I tried the stronger lozenges once. It was like sucking on a minty ant. I don’t really know if they even do anything, I have a feeling most of the benefits I get from them are more of a placebo type of thing. That doesn’t matter though, as long as they help.
last night before bed I argued with Courtney. It’s almost like I have to bottle all the frustrations up during the day in order to remain a respectable member of society. Then when Courtney gets home, if something gets said that could be taken offensively by me in any way, then I automatically take offence, and arguments ensue. I don’t know how she puts up with non smoking Nathan, but I really do appreciate the fact she doesn’t just bail on me for it.
Being at work has been long and tiring. It’s all I have thought about for most of the day. But at least I have things to do here. So I’m not just sitting and thinking.
Tomorrow is day three. Traditionally, day three is when I say “fuck this shit” and end up buying a pack. I can predict that I will have some trouble sleeping tonight. I will wake up absolutely feinding for one, and will be in a shit mood for most of the day.
Im not going to this time though. Writing these things helps. I can read back what I have written when I feel like punching all of the things. It makes me realise how controlled I have become by an expensive and useless substance. I don’t want to be owned by an addiction anymore.
i read I good quote by Muhammad Ali on one of them random Facebook posts that people share, no doubt it was in front of a waterfall or a sunrise or something. It said
“Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion”
I can’t be sure that he actually said that. The internet isn’t exactly reliable when it comes to these things. I also choose to ignore the words “as a champion” because we all know I won’t be winning any championships in anything anytime soon. But the rest is going to be my motto for this bullshit endeavour
“dont quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life.”