The Night Before

I have decided to quit smoking for the 50th time. I have also decided to document my experience in the hope that i can give myself some kind of insight into my own thought processes, as i enter withdrawal and start becoming a douche bag.

I figure it might be an interesting read for family and friends too, so why not eh?

i am going to start tomorrow.

First, here is a brief history of Nathans tobacco usage.

I can easily say that my biggest regret in life is the day i took up smoking.

In actual fact it wasn’t a day at all. it was more of a slow progression over many years. i didn’t just wake up one day and say to myself “I should start spending upwards of $100 a week for the next ten years to slowly kill myself”

i started out like most smokers i know, as a “social smoker”

i was 16 years old and the first of my friends to leave school. My idea was that i may as well start making some money, considering i was probably going nowhere anyway. So got a job as an apprentice electrician.
I was now this kid with no ambition or direction, with a huge pay day at the end of every week (250 bucks!). That was enough the get me two packets of smokes and some booze for the weekend. that was all that mattered.

I then began smoking during the week. My boss was kind of weird. He didn’t eat during the day because he considered lunch breaks a waste of time. The only time he would stop work was for “smoko”
I realised that if i was smoking, i could take as many breaks as i wanted throughout the day. Being the lazy little shit that i was, i began pushing the envelope. First it was two a day, then three, then four, until i was having a sit and a smoke around 8 times a day. it didn’t matter that i wasn’t eating. It was just ice coffee and cigarettes, all day, every day.

Things started to go sour after about four years. Work dried up and i stopped getting paid. i Had no money, but i had developed this stupid addiction.
A smoker will always find money to buy smokes. At least that is what it was like from my experience. I began to make compromises.
At the start of every week i would sell a pile of my video games and decide if i wanted to get some decent food, or a packet of smokes and some 2 minute noodles.
The smokes won every time.
That might sound strange to someone who has never smoked before. But the fact was that i could survive on noodles. If i didn’t buy cigarettes, the stress of the whole situation would have become a whole lot  worse. Withdrawal symptoms, coupled with my broke as hell lifestyle were not a good mix.
Every time i would light one up it was like receiving a warm, carcinogenic hug from an old friend.

Things went on like this for a while, until i found a new job working at the hospital. By this time my addiction was well and truly settled. i began making some alright money, and with that, i bought more cigarettes. If it was a good day, i would only smoke 1 packet.

Fast forward to today. I now have a beautiful, non smoking fiancee. we are currently attempting to save for a wedding. The biggest obstacle for me right now, is the $140 (give or take) i am spending PER WEEK on cigarettes. i have attempted multiple times to quit. i have tried all the quit smoking aids, none have worked for me. i am hoping that by writing these blogs, i am setting myself up not to fail. increasing the embarrassment of failing by writing this bullshit for everyone to see. A kind of Ulysses pact, i guess.

Ten years of burning my money is enough. Not to mention the damage i have probably already done to my body. I need to just suck it up and do it.

wish me luck 🙂

One thought on “The Night Before

  1. I can only imagine what you’re going through. I see patients in the hospital with end stage lung disease and lung cancer and they are STILL smoke! It’s a chemical addiction. Not to be biased, but it would be worthwhile to check in with your doctor every now and again for help with management and additional resources. Good luck and I’m excited to follow you on your journey!

    Liked by 1 person

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